Someone cut in front of me in the salad bar line today.
I didn’t do anything because anyone who wants a salad that badly terrifies me.
You Might Also Like
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE GYM, BABY! AGES THREE TO NIIIIINNNNE!” – Axl Rose, playground monitor.
People who live in glass houses should install frosted glass around the toilet part.
It’s the freakin’ weekend, baby, I’m about to cancel some plans
Me: We do *not* spit on our classmates!
5YO: Well, who DO we spit on, then?
I miss the funny stuff my kids said when they were little.
I really want another child, but the idea of starting over with another pregnancy/infant feels like Katniss heading back into the arena.
*opens present
HER: What is this?
ME: It’s The One Ring. I fought orcs for it.
HER: They didn’t have that Michael Kors bag I showed you?
Like a kite stuck in a tree, I too am stuck in a tree
I have a tattoo of a tiger shirt underneath my tiger shirt so when I take off my tiger shirt BOOM tiger shirt
Me: A storm is coming
My wife: Do you have to say that every time our kids wake up?
[1st date]
Him: What do you do for fun?
Me: I like pretending I’m someone else.
Him: Wow? You do impersonations?
Me: No, I steal identities.
I hope my husband never gets Alzheimer’s but if he does, I imagine my favorite part will be saying “I gave you one yesterday.”
This weekend I lost an hour to daylight saving time and another hour stuck behind a person at the ATM who was apparently transferring funds to a Swiss bank account, refinancing their mortgage, and making 12 withdraws from 12 different accounts.
If the CIA has my house bugged they’ve heard several impromptu songs about my dog being a good boy.
And in today’s episode of “Why is your toddler crying?”:
It’s “the balloon exploded without asking for permission”
Batman: Life isn’t a video game. Your actions have consequences
*Robin writes ‘I’m sorry I forgot to buy Charmin®’ 100 times on Batpaper*
I sign all anniversary cards with ‘Way to commit to the bit!’
the early bird gets the worm & so does this dance floor of unsuspecting wedding reception guests when my jam comes on
Before I go out binge drinking I always eat a stick of butter. It doesn’t do anything I just make really poor life choices.
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
My memory is horrible but I remember every person I loaned a book to that didn’t return it.
If you can pronounce Worcestershire I’ll assume you can do all sorts of fun things with your tongue.
To all the people with grammatical issues, don’t worry, I also have problems with badly timed periods. 
The guy at the gym said rest days are really important, so I’ve been resting for 6 years.
19 is going to my 20 year reunion as me. Now we wait.
Accidentally took my mother’s id to the polling station and committed voter freud.
Don’t pretend like your cat wouldn’t 100% microwave fish if they had half a chance.
I want to do the #nakedchallenge to see my boyfriend’s reaction, I just need a tiktok account and a boyfriend
As your goth coworker, I will change all “Out of order” signs to “Haunted” signs. Sorry, you can’t use that printer- it’s haunted.
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.