someone described my girlfriend’s skin as “sun-kissed” recently and now the sun’s about to catch these hands
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Oh eggs, through yonder window break. For I am the olive oil, and Juliet is the vinegar. Salt to taste. Blend to desired thickness
– Romayo and Juliet
The most realistic scene in Star Wars was when Darth Vader lost his cool during a staff meeting and used the force to choke a coworker.
Been walking like an Egyptian and need to visit a Cairopractor.
How do mathematicians plot their leg day workouts?
With quad-ratic equations.
{commercial for boats}
Tired of your car not knowing how to swim?
My daughter just started singing “I ate some brains down in Africa,” and now I kinda like her version better
Teaching your kids to question everything is important. Until you’re sitting there banging your head on the table.
Freddy Kruger: I’ll get you in your sleep!
Me: Good luck with that.
(4am)
Freddy: *yawning* What the hell? Go to sleep already.
Me: Jokes on you. I’m only up to 4th grade on reliving my most embarrassing moments in life.
Freddy: NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
if i could teach my cat to go downstairs and accept my doordash delivery i would never marry
“Hey Barack”
“yes Joe?”
“I bet T-Rex’s took terrible selfies”
“Ok Joe”
“Because they had…”
“Short arms Joe, yes. I get it. I get it buddy”
Me: Well honey, this place is ripe for arson
Realtor: Right for your son? Oh yes
Me: This house will be coals
Realtor: Cole is a lovely name
Just yelled, “I will EAT you!” out my window in a fit of road rage, so that was new.
Getting caught doing nothing is NOT an option
To make up for all the junk I ate over the weekend, I plan to run 86 miles today.
I bet that cop who went down the slide real fast has some relatives who have been waiting MONTHS to get to roast him to his face today.
*wins lottery*
Me: fill it to the top, Jeeves
Jeeves: But ma’am, your pool—
Me: I SAID MORE MAC AND CHEESE!!!
Daughter: Daddy, I want to reach out and touch a star
Me: Yeah, well, that would incinerate the both of us instantly so I don’t think so
I’m famous people used to have talent years old.
The Church of England rejected female bishops. How can women’s rights expect to move forward if they’re not even allowed to move diagonally?
Absence does not make the heart grow fonder.
Unless you’re talking about Oreos.
Judge: I find you guilty of all charges
Neutron: This is some bullshit
I don’t even check my bank account no more. I just swipe my card and if it’s god’s will money will be debited
My 5-year-old refuses to believe that shells & cheese tastes exactly like mac & cheese but believes there definitely is a dinosaur in his bedroom.
yeah i’d have thought so, he’s a cat
Vodka is the quickest way to teleport. You just have to be prepared to wake up naked to an unknown location with another teleporter.
I was so anxious to social distance myself from my wife today that I went out and picked weeds in the yard.
professor: there are no stupid questions
me: if i ate myself would i disappear or be twice as big
professor:
me:
professor: there is one stupid question
Your call will be answered in the order in which we draw names from a hat.
if i were a 400 year old immortal vampire, i would simply not enrol in a local high school
When jogging, if i get tired, I insult the people i pass in my head & then imagine having to get away as they chase me…