Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My ID expired so I can only go to the liquor store where they remember me: the one where I asked the cashier out and threw up on the floor.

Me: The new guy’s a lumberjack?
Boss: Yep
Me: He seems nice…
Boss: STOP
Me: I’ll bet he’s good at…
Boss: DONT
Me: random axe of kindness

If my wife doesn’t win anything on this $2 scratch ticket, it’s going to go down as one of the worst birthday presents ever.

reasons why people don’t want to return to offices:

-unpaid travel
-packing lunch
-the bear in the conference room
-dress codes
-the bear stole my lunch
-someone help
-my boss told me to take it up with hr
-it’s eating my sandwich
-code switching

(Job interview)

The starting hourly pay is $30 but it can go up to $45 later

Me: Okay, I’ll start later then

Doctor’s orders say 30 crunches a day….That’s an awful lot of chocolate to eat but I guess I can give it a shot

I bet the first person to keep track of his age was a gigantic tool

“This is my 24th winter”
Shut up and help us kill this boar, Stuart

maybe i don’t ACTUALLY like bad boys im just really into alliteration

me: ok so imagine if you were a horse—
my sister: bold of you to assume i’m not, but continue

Just shoveled for 30 minutes so the pizza guy could deliver my food

Priorities

Happy Lunch to those who celebrate!

The year is 2027. Voice to text is flawless. A young child points at a bird and says, “Duck”. His mother slaps him.

I made cookie dough 2 days ago and pre molded it into balls and froze them so I would be able to bake ONE cookie at a time AS NEEDED but so far I’ve just eaten 6 balls of cookie dough over a 2 day span

Every kid turns into a mall walker when the lifeguard yells NO RUNNING

It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a castle surrounded by a mote filled with 7-11 nacho cheese

if anyone is picking on you, it’s really themselves they have a problem with, I promise

My standards in my 20’s- brooding & poetic

30’s tall, nice smile, secure job

40’s – hmm I bet that shouty homeless guy would clean up nice

Star Wars spoiler:
Leia is Han’s father

My mind says “no” but my heart says “yes”, all my vital organs speak English, it’s very confusing and loud

Forcibly throwing positive energy your way out of spite.

Angel of Death: I have killed the firstborn of Egypt
God: Killed?! You were supposed to “thrill” them! You know, take them out for a night on the town
Angel of Death: But…but…
God: Hahaha, you should see your face. No I definitely wanted those kids dead

My wife is in a Facebook group called Buy Nothing where people list stuff they’re giving away.

The other day, a lady came to our house to pick up two granola bars that we didn’t like

The temperature went from 90 to 55 like it saw a state trooper

Whenever a girl is talking too much, remind yourself that other thing she does with her mouth that you like so much. Might dull the pain 😉

At the State Fair and can’t find my family anywhere so headed over to look for em at the beer garden for about an hour.

nurse: “if youre going to give grapes to a baby make sure you cut them in half”
me: [visibly confused]
wife: “the grapes keith not the baby”

i wash my hair the same way i wash a cast iron skillet, with shampoo

“No, Mister Bond, I expect you to… draw tourists.”
*evil laughter*

8: What do you want for Mother’s Day?

Me: I want you to do some chores.

8: That’s not special, though. You always ask us to do chores.

Me: Yes. The special part will be if you actually do them.

I’m so much like a noodle when I shower. sit in hot water for 7-8 minutes and become soft, squishy, and delicious afterwards