(Someone finally shuts off a car alarm)
Philip Glass: (sticks head out of apartment window above) HEY I WAS LISTENING TO THAT
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I had enough of telling my kids to put their shoes on 487543 times before school so I set an alarm on Alexa to remind them every minute for 20 minutes and now Alexa’s drinking wine straight from the bottle sobbing about how she used to be something
I constantly lose my phone so it’s really up to you if you want to play ‘shes ignoring me or her phone is in the fridge’
The Backseat Boys
It was pouring rain. As I walked into the store, my feet slipped & I slid toward a random man walking out. He had a huge bag of pet food on his shoulder. The panicked look on his face as he tried to decide whether to drop the bag & grab me or NOT was a like a whole Russian novel.
The next time kids ding door ditch you you have to run and chase after them and yell WHAT IF IM A CRAZY PERSON!!
[job interview]
That’s all. Have any questions for us?
“Yes, did Air Bud get to use the team bathroom, or did they make him go outside?”
4: I reeeallly want Oreos!
Me: but you already had Oreos
4: no I didn’t!
Me: yeah you did
4: no I didn’t!
Me: I saw you eat them
4: but *I* didn’t see myself eating them!
My husband is putting the clean dishes away from the dishwasher so I need to leave the house to avoid damage to my eardrums
don’t usually brag about helping people, but when I saw an old lady drop her groceries, I yelled: “lift with a straight back!” it felt good
A bug is just a bug until you put one on someone’s face.
Here, have my marionette set.
“Cool. How much for it?”
Just take it
“For free? What’s the catch?”
No strings attached.
“You son of a bit..”
I feel like something is missing from my life and I don’t know if it’s a person, a puppy, or just a burrito.
boss: you’re fired
me: [pausing tiktok] why
My girlfriend [31f] doesn’t know how to count months and it’s actually causing problems in our relationship [31m]
“I’m more night hamster than owl,” I say, pushing another wad of food into my cheek pouch at 2:00am.
My anxiety is so bad I keep thinking that I forgot to shut the garage door and I don’t even have a garage.
Sam Neill and Jeff Goldblum are perfect
The neighbor’s 5yo keeps yelling “are we boyfriend and girlfriend” across the fence at my 5yo, and my kid just came running in the house and slammed the door, so I guess that answers that
Don’t ask me if I have a safety pin if you’re going to look at me all weird when I pull one out of my pocket and hand it to you.
I ran out of coffee and my husband said I should just have tea instead so the next time he wanted to have sex I said he should just have tea instead
Me:Siri, why don’t I have any friends?
Siri:*shows me my Google search history*
M:Good call.
This orange juice says shake well before drinking.
*shakes juice and puts back in fridge then opens beer
ME: Who’s my little sex kitten?
HER: *slowly pushes me off bed*
ME: [from floor] That’s right baby.
My phone only recognizes my fingerprint if it has cheese on it
This is the worst game of Jumanji ever.
“i’ll be back”
–arnold schwarzenegger getting into a 2-man horse costume
Saw the baby talking to the air so I’m immediately moving and leaving her behind. I’ve seen this movie before
I don’t have kids, so at night, my dogs lovingly place shards of bones instead of Lego’s on my path to the restroom…
If I choke to death on food it better not be anything healthy.