Someone flipped me off so I threw my wallet at him and said “I love you.”
He didn’t even die.
Killing people with kindness is hard.
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them: you look just like a friend of mine
me: she sounds really pretty
Me: Yells at my kids to stop wasting water.
Also me: Washes same load of laundry three times.
I’m enjoying a run through the sprinkler, but everyone else “smells smoke” and “thinks we should leave the conference room”
I’m an asshole, but not “jogs in place at intersections, waiting for the light to change,” asshole.
I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
If you’re on the fence about having kids, repeat “Put your shoes on, please” 100 times in a row until you’re in a blinding rage & see if it’s right for you.
Good luck with my paper jam, next person.
Women are like iPhones, you have to touch them all over before they respond. Men are like BBs, rub one ball & everything moves.
Sometimes, for fun, I like to mouth words to my husband when he’s wearing earbuds. When he stops to ask me what I said, I just say ‘forget it’ and storm off.
People keep tagging a random person instead of the incoming British prime minister and she’s rolling with it lol
“We want to take our engagement photos here at the library.”
“That’s fun. Are there parts of the library that are especially meaningful to you?”
“Not really, we never use the library.”
“Then why take your pictures here?”
“We want people to think we’re people who use the library.”
nothing will ever burn me quite as bad as when my sister told me i reminded her of those aliens who smoke cigarettes and drink coffee in men in black
the first episode of house of the dragon focusses on the dragon applying for a mortgage
what if our teeth screamed obscenities at us every time we brushed them?
QUESTIONNAIRE
Do you need glasses?
[ ] Yes
[ ] NoX
the worst kind of twitter bio is something like “katie’s husband. father to jenny” i don’t know who that is, dip shit
I love that old saying that goes “If your drink doesn’t kill you make it stronger”… or something like that.
Lance isn’t really that a common name anymore. In the old days, people were called Lance a lot.
Me: Could I trouble you for a knife?
Waiter, knowing that all they have is 10,000 spoons: I have some inexplicably bad news.
Always the bridesmaid, never the person about to make the worst mistake of her adult life
HONEY I ACCIDENTALLY FILLED THE BABY’S BOTTLE WITH RED BULL
Oh god, is he sick
HE’S GOT ME IN A HEAD LOCK AND IS SAYING I’M A NERD. CALL 911
Nobody suspects that you’re digging a grave when you’re always working on your landscape.
PRO TIP: leave the oven on at all times in order to avoid the hassle of pre-heating
I can’t wait for the government to shut down I have some scores to settle. Big time
Canadian cattle can now legally
graze on cannabis plants.The steaks have never been higher.
*Looking to buy a house*
ME: So, tell me about the neighborhood.
REALTOR: Great school district, very safe neighbo…
ME: No, I mean like the bars.. Are the bars close to here and do I need an Uber or can I just walk to them? What are their happy hour specials like?
Test results are in, you might want to have a seat
“I’d rather stand”
Are you sure? You have “Falls Down When Gets Bad News” disease
*Thud*
I’ve been inventing problems to hide the fact that I spend all my time on twitter. But it’s cool because now my kid thinks I know how to fix the leaky drip tray on the piano and can properly set a fallen eagle’s broken wing.
You know what would make my cubicle super cute? Fire.