Someone forgot to pay the earths yearly subscription fee for “being ok” after the free trial ended.
You Might Also Like
Most of my exercise comes from getting up to let the cat in and out.
Meet me in the bedroom.. bring the gravy boat.
Don’t make this weird…
Them: You’re hot.
Me: *eyes narrowed suspiciously* How many crosswalks do you see in here right now?
Me and my 4yo tried to high five each other for like 5 min which shows we are both very determined but also very very uncoordinated.
Computer: Choose a password.
Me: 9Df6akt86lpd
Computer: Dude, this is a format tweet, don’t use your actual password.
*weighs myself in kilograms to own the lbs
I’d go for a jog but it’s too [insert current weather].
*first day as a getaway driver*
Me: Hey does anybody want anything from the drive-through?
I would like to give a big shout out to the one person in my life who doesn’t accuse me of being insane. So, thank you, to the little old lady who lives in my hair.
I went outside without makeup on. A child cried and I think a bird flew into a window on purpose.
Look lady, you’ve already taken my money so put that Oompa Loompa costume on and let’s do this.
I present to you: Stupid things White people have said to me, but with a “live, laugh, love” font, because I’m petty, a thread…
PATIENT: I’ve been so stressed out lately. What can I do?
DR DOG (tail wagging like crazy): Studies show that petting dogs relieve stress
explaining “the ring” movie to younger generations
me: so you watch this video cassette
them: a what?
m: and then you get a phonecall
t: oh please god no
i don’t want to be the “main character” i actually want to be an extra who is there just to have fun and stand around while you deal with all the conflict
I wonder what happens if you put on Axe body spray and Old Spice deodor-
POOF![ponytail appears]
I would never feed you to the wolves.
You’re too toxic and I like dogs.
We weren’t traipsing, Mom. We are rapscallions. We galavant.
Bon Jovi must be at least 3/4 of the way there by now.
You have an October wedding, I’m bringing a 12 ft skeleton as my plus-one, Tamantha.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
License and registration, please.
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
Sir, please stop shouting and step out of the vehicle.
Brain: Talk to that girl.
Me: She’s ugly. You’re drunk.
Brain: No you are.
Me: How many fingers am I holding up?
Brain: 12.
Me: Lucky guess.
My new monthly budget
Gas $0
Clothes $0
Entertainment $0
Food $1500
Alcohol $1000
Por…. uhhh entertainment $500
When I had no money, I had few friends, but no enemies
Btw, I still have no money, in case you were thinking of becoming my friend or enemy
Cooking/baking shows need a normal guy in the corner for context
Everything else would seem a lot more impressive if you could also see me accidentally setting fire to myself again in the background
“get your shit together” is my favorite weird expression of something no one would ever do, but everyone totally agrees is great advice.
It appears my neighbor’s plastic flamingo was hit by a car. What’s the etiquette? Card? Fruit & nut basket?
I’m getting the sneaking suspicion that my therapist isn’t the one who’s supposed to be crying during our sessions.
The faster the ponytail bounces the more purposeful the woman walking
Me: sometimes when a door closes there’s a window that opens
Car Repair Man: yeah I’ll definitely take a look at that