Someone gave me a star as a gift. I’m planning on sprucing it up with some planets and asteroids and using it as a summer vacation spot.
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Now I find out my ground hands are actually called feet wtf is going on today
Sometimes I feel driving over Beliebers, but then I’m like, “what is wrong with me??” because I just got my car washed.
Boss: I need that report by noon
Me: Consider it done[2pm]
Boss: Where’s that report?
Me: Huh? I thought we’d agreed to consider it done?
GF: “You’re cute when you’re drunk”
Me: “You’re cute when I’m drunk too”
I’m not saying I’m a rebel, I’m just saying I wanna park here to see what the fuss is about.
I forgot my therapist’s name so I just call him Dude
Just got to our Airbnb!
A friend is in jail and I can’t help feeling partially responsible because I framed him for murder.
Shout out to all the animals that help Disney princesses get shit done.
Therapist: Tell me something exciting that happened this week
Me: McDonald’s has a new breakfast sandwich
Therapist:
Me: It has two sausage patties and bacon
Therapist:
Me: Also two slices of cheese, I think
Therapist:
Me: Why do you look so sad
Poor helium. I like to imagine there’s a shelium out there somewhere, waiting gaseously
[hits rock bottom]
rock bottom : *calls 911 for being assaulted*
Jack and Jill went up the hill to catch the first flight off of this planet.
a swear jar, but for using the word “nuanced”.
Today I brought my trash out wearing roller skates and a tiara simply because I like keep my neighbors guessing.
Today was an exception because the bacon grease splattered me in the eye while I was frying, so naturally I had to eat more bacon than usual because vengeance. But yes, I generally stop at a pound per meal.
her: thanks for catsitting! everything go okay?
schrödinger: yes and no
Meet Sugar, she doesn’t like to be ridden. If Sugar is approached with a saddle she lyes down and pretends to be asleep. Sugar refuses to open her eyes until the riders leave.
Me: this movie sucks
Boss: for the LAST time, this is a ZOOM. MEETING!
Me: *sniffing* so hell smells like pizza…
Satan: *nodding*
Me: but just to remind me that I’ll never eat pizza again…?
Satan: *beaming* isn’t it just so evil??
Me: (through tears) so creative
“Please let go of my hair”
-my gynaecologist
Me: I don’t want to hear it, I want to feel it!
Also me: Not like that!
i would simply not board a british passenger liner that was poorly captained and about to sideswipe an iceberg
Pandora has spoiled me. Five seconds into any conversation and I’m looking for the thumbs-down button.
the human only brought one little bag. on our walk. so naturally. i had to poop twice. they are in shambles
They didn’t ghost you. Their spouse found out.
ME: [first day as an NFL head coach] What position do you play no. 26
HIM: I’m a running back.
ME: LOL, ok Mario, in my team we run forward.
Someone just threatened to call me later
Legend states that when you’re in the middle of an existential crisis, a child will appear to cry about their sibling looking at them the wrong way
Sorry I ate your baby but you shouldn’t have wrapped it like a burrito.