Someone got friendzoned hard at the Brewers game… 😬
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Sometimes I put a vase of flowers outside to let other flowers know that if they try to be prettier than me, I’ll cut their legs off too.
“what’s it like having a sister?”
If you’re looking for a good place to buy a Blackberry, I’d suggest 2006.
I have Buzzfeed blocked for 20 reasons: number 18 will shock you
Wife: you can trust me
Me: last week you told me I’d look good with a ponytail
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you can usually trust me
Me: *giggling* No, you hang up
Cop: Other prisoners need to make their calls
Why hasn’t anyone stopped him?
Your Honor, could we take a recess in this Zoom hearing? I need to break up a cat fight.
If people aren’t honking at you to go on the green light, you aren’t doing social media right.
GF and I went to see Dark Knight Rises our 9th date. Dates can be summarised dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner Batman.
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: yes that’s when i didn’t have a job
*starts slow clap*
*Clap. Clap. Clap. Clap*
“Sir, your pizza will be ready in 15 minutes!”
*slow claps for 15 minutes*
Not to brag but a girl at this party said I look like the Hulk, of course it was when I was turning green from drinking too much, but still…
Therapist: do you think your phone is making you a less engaged parent?
Me: yes
Therapist: then maybe-
Me: *looking up from phone* wait no
I’m invincible. I can not be Vinced
I wonder if both Wright Brothers were behind their inventions, or it was just one & their mother yelling “Wilbur, you include your brother!”
A macaron is just an oreo that studied abroad.
Mom: “You’re a delusional alcoholic.”
Abraham Lincoln: “She’s right, you know.”
As a former member of the Leopards Eating People’s Faces party until it became extremist, I can tell you that the Let’s Not Eat Anyone’s Face party will get nowhere unless it elects a candidate who wants leopards to eat *some* people’s faces.
An excerpt from my self help book, “How to Get Rich Quick”
Chapter 1: Write a self help book about how to get rich quick
The End
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!!!”
(Seductively takes baby dragon out of Gucci purse & lights cigarette.)
Remembering this really good dating app interaction from Portugal
Mother in law just said global warming with air quotes. It’s going to be a long night.
her: who’s ur favorite vampire
me: that one on Sesame Street
her: he doesn’t count
me: i assure u he does, Jen
My signature move is illegal in 37 states.
Oddly enough, ever since downloading
AdBlock onto my computer …..all the local girls in my area
seem to have lost interest.
Botany good plants lately?
As a Californian, the most frightening thing about the movie Psycho, is the thought of leaving the shower water running for that long.
*Victorian letters to Santa*
My dearest Santa,
I trust this letter finds you well. We have had an exciting season with 7 family members succumbing to consumption.
*8 more pages of socially-accepted bigotry against every other nationality & poor people*
I would like an orange.
Nothing says “Proper Retirement Planning” like a garbage can full of losing lottery tickets