Someone hacked into my dominos account and redeemed my free pizza
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Whoever named them waterfalls got it 100% right.
The term is sous chef not Sioux chef. It’s a role in the kitchen not the leader of a proud indigenous tribe.
My 4yo asked if I thought a robber came in the night, ate all the Halloween candy then threw the wrappers in the bin and I maintained eye contact while telling her that was the only possible explanation
Don’t describe two completely different things as “apples and oranges” they’re both fruit
Say something like “elephants and crystal meth”
[hospital]
“Will dad ever wake from his coma?”
WIFE: Of course dear [loudly] LET’S GO HOME TO ORGANIZE & RE-ARRANGE HIS TOOLS
DAD: I’M UP
I represented criminals before I switched to divorce law. Not one accused murderer or drug dealer ever scared me more than the soccer mom who just found out her husband is cheating on her with the PTA Vice President.
Yes, autocorrect, I wanted to ask if she was all tight. Thank you. Now I know.
[First date]
Date: I’m looking for a guy who’s above average.
Me: [Trying to be above average] I’ve eaten 17 spiders this year
Time machine ads be like:
“Can you here me now?”
The bigger issue about the Hobby Lobby decision is the fact that people working in a craft store are getting laid more than I am.
Justin Bieber only pretends to retire on Twitter, worst Christmas ever.
Doing the splits is easy — slip on the first snowy step when taking the dog out and let gravity (and panic) make you an Olympic gymnast!
I am a:
⚪️ boy
⚪️ girl
🔘 dormant ancient forest spiritseeking a:
⚪️ lover
⚪️ friend
🔘 mortal to accidentally open a cursed text and release me from my slumber to seek revenge on those who sought to bind my power
Cop: you’re going to prison for forgery
Me *slides him a 37 dollar bill* what about now
If you love something set it on fire. If it doesn’t die, you have a dragon.
I still won’t want to talk to you after coffee, it’s a beverage not a miracle
1. have a child
2. never mention it on facebook
3. dress it in old-timey clothes and have it stand in the background of all your photos
“rejection is god’s protection” ok but from what? Happiness?!?
“i want a liquid in my mouth but i want it to arrive in a tiny tunnel” – inventor of the straw
Gonna drink a 42 hour energy so I can send three emails
I basically have three hairstyles.
1. Straight
2. Wavy
3. Homeless
What she said: wanna share some nachos?
What I heard: wanna race to see who can eat the most nachos?
Mashed, baked or roasted? I could be asking either how you prefer your potatoes or how you like to spend your weekends.
I’m “When I get a haircut I think she cuts more hair off my ears and eyebrows than my head” years old.
me: I’ll have the prime rib
waiter: excellent choice sir
me:
waiter: do we really have to do this yet again sir
me: *after sliding to the other side of the table and putting on a blonde wig* oooooh it all looks so good what do you recommend
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because of my obsession with emo rock bands
her: no it’s because of the weird chemistry fanfics that you keep writing
me: i knew it! you hate my chemical romance
One day I’m gonna plug my guitar into this elevator and just see what happens
I have 15,000 pencils, but I don’t remember buying any. Also, I don’t have a pencil sharpener, so none of them work.
Me: So many women flirt with me on Twitter all the time.
Wife: Cool. Now you have lots of woman to also not have sex with.
Given that our animals have pockets I think we can agree that Australia is more evolved than the rest of the world.