Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Pelican: OMG she is gorgeous

Water buffalo: Who?

P: That beautiful flamingo over there.

WB: Go talk to her.

P: She’s way out of my league, I don’t think I can.

WB: What do I always tell you Gary? You’re a Pelican…

WB/P: …not a Pelicant.

Is it me or do the unread books in the bookstore just seem shinier than the unread books at home?

Am I perfect? No.
Am I trying to be a better person? Definitely not.

my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and i ate them because im a velociraptor disguised as a milkshake vendor lol owned

I like having younger friends. They’re fun, energetic, adventurous, and then they recommend going out after 8 PM and I’m like, this friendship has run its course.

First rule of flight club…no penguins.

if ariel is the little mermaid then how big is a regular mermaid. are they like 40ft long

i like to start most sentences with “as a writer…” because it’s important to me that everyone know i am, at my core, a liar

[emptying spam]

ME: Why do I have so much canned meat?

*slowly unwraps a candy bar as neighbor talks about her new diet

Mother Goose: I need some ideas for my nursery rhymes.

Me: a young boy and girl fall down a hill and the boy suffers a head injury.

Mother Goose: what? these are for children

Me:

Mother Goose:

Me: an egg falls off a wall and dies.

Nine: There’s safety in numbers

Seven: *ties napkin around his neck*

I wanted to join a street gang when I was a teenager but I failed the dancing audition.

[creation]
GOD: Gather round creatures & I’ll tell you what you’ll eat
ANTEATER: I’m SO excited!
DUNG BEETLE: I got a bad feeling about this

How to make emails sound livid:

“As discussed”
“I thought we agreed”
“Regards”
“Thanks”
“I was under the impression”
“FYI”
“As per my email”
“With respect”
“Friendly reminder”
“Polite note”
“I was disappointed to…”
“Whilst I appreciate…”
“As I’m sure you’re aware”

Him: Favorite workout? Me: Pilates. Him: Why? Me: Because we lay down for an hour.

DOCTOR: what were you thinking? He had a sword.

ME: *bleeding everywhere, clutching my favorite pen* that’s not how it’s supposed to work

You’d think after 12 years of filming Boyhood someone would be like hey maybe we should make this good.

When I was growing up, “Deadpool” was just what we called our neighbors’ hot tub after he mysteriously drowned in it.

Shoulder Devil: So I say “Go on–do it!” And the moron does it!
Shoulder Angel: What an idiot!
Me: You guys know I can hear you, right?

You mean the stick figures on the back of your vehicle is not your kill count?

*slowly scrapes mine off*

my landlord is angry because I put an entire suit of armor down the laundry chute again

Judge: so your petition says irreconcilable differences

Me: yesterday he wore Nike shoes with Adidas socks

Judge: divorce granted

[zoom interview]

interviewer: what’s your background?

me: mainly sales and marketing but—

interviewer: no, I’m talking about that framed poster of the lady bunny from space jam

Jobs I’d be shit at:
-brain surgeon
-rocket scientist
-ventriloquist
-goat herder
-sober person thingy

Tax tip: Even if it’s true, never list your dog as head of household. They’ll roll over under audit.

My 1-year-old thinks turtles say “vroom vroom.” I hesitate to correct her because who knows what’s what anymore? Maybe turtles are fast now.

i liked her. i wifed her. 🤎

Doc: have you been displaying any symptoms of vampirism?
Me: I’ve been..
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: Coffin.
Doc: get out

I’m ready for the kind of love that sweeps you off your feet ❤️🖕❤️