*someone hands me a baby*
Oh… no thank you
*places baby on the ground*
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“PS, I love you” — Me to my PlayStation.
due to personal reasons i have decided to make even less sense to people who will never get me
“So you’re a foodie? What’s a foodie?”
“We enjoy eating out and trying new food.”
“So you’re like everyone else, except you brag about it?”
[late to work]
boss: well ??
me: (panicking) uhh my car got stuck in the suez canal
At a kids’ birthday party. With my kid.
He abandoned me and I don’t know how to talk to the parents
[Vegan Conference]
Announcer: While we await our key speaker, please talk among yourselves
Vegan: I’m a vegan
Vegan2: I’m also a vegan
My wife and I have decided we don’t want to have children.
So we are going to tell them tonight at dinner.
Feels
My psychiatrist and I had a major breakthrough.
Now he can hear the voices too.
Researchers have found why bears hibernate. “They’re sad due to a break up” said one. “It’s been a year Brent. Move on. I have” said another
*Me getting pulled over*
Me:license and registration please?
Guy police officer :I pulled u over..
Me:do u really want to argue with me?
I’m explaining to my mom this is what happens when a goth girl wished for global annihilation as she blew out her birthday candles.
absolutely crushed dolphin wordle
[creation of spinach]
God: Make it slimy and gross when they cook it, like seaweed. And it should be dark green, and when they eat it, it sticks in their teeth.
Angel: Is everything okay at home?
Scientist: we’ve finally taught a dog Morse Code
Dog: [taps paw]
Me: what did it say?
Scientist: “woof”
I’m too high watching Secret Agent Cody Banks and my friends didn’t take an edible so I have to act like I’m not high it’s almost like I am also Secret Agent Cody Banks rn
Due to market uncertainty my wife asked if we should move around our money and I agreed.
I jiggled the change in my pocket.
Oh look, it’s bad-decisions-o’clock
me telling my computer i’ll update everything tomorrow
If you tell me your kid is 22 months and I buy it a beer, that’s on you. That is your bad.
I bought my friends an elephant for their room.
They said: Thank you.
I said: Please don’t mention it.
My autocorrect changes cunts to China. Hey don’t blame me. I’m not the racist code programmer.
Showing that you can fit your fist in your mouth on the first date is only sexy if you can get it back out afterwards
ME: *eating shepherd’s pie* this is really yummy
SHEPHERD: hey, that’s my pie
If we put aside our differences and work together, I truly believe we can come up with a few more alternate spellings of the name Britney.
Guy who’s never heard of drugs before: “Take an edible”? Dude, just say you ate some food. Sheesh
Time is precious, waste it wisely.
If I got kidnapped I’d continuously sing Pitbull songs until they kill me, I’d die but at least they’d suffer too.
[kid, about to do something stupid]
ME: [sitting on couch] Anyone who gets hurt isn’t getting medical care until tomorrow.