Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Want to come watch the game Saturday at 8:00?”

Well I’m going rollerskating at 1:00, so yeah I should be out of the hospital by then.

I normally have a decent sense of direction but when I leave the exam room at a doctor’s office and have to find my way to the exit I’m suddenly Harry Potter in the Hedge Maze

Why jurors are not allowed to have cellphones in the courthouse:

Me, taking a selfie in the jury box: feeling cute, might convict someone later.

Me: Please stop asking me a question every five seconds. I just want to sit on this couch and rest.

Therapist: Umm…you do know where you are, right?

Me: AGAIN with the questions!!

If someone tries to be your friend, pick up their cat and play it like the bagpipes. Problem solved.

Bread as a loaf, bread as a bowl. Bread as a slice or bread as a roll. Bread is delicious, it is a fact. Whoopi’s best movie was Sister Act.

So Mother Theresa puts a dish towel on her head and she’s a “saint” but when I put a dish towel on MY head I’m “drunk in the kitchen again?”

Ladies, the word for the day is “legs.” Spread the word.

Sure, I’m on the keto diet.
The keto my happiness is carbs.

When your wife asks what’s on TV, dust is not the right answer.

[swirls, sniffs and sips red wine]

Yes, this is delicious. I will have a glass.

Ma’am, this is a church, let go of the cup and sit down.

If you ever get attacked by a bear, throw your shark at it. Also, get a shark.

[interrogation room]

me: tell us

criminal: he’ll kill me if i do

me: you’re making my partner very angry

my partner, who is also the lamp from the pixar intro: [shines light brightly]

criminal: i-

me: [holding back lamp as he tries to jump on criminal] shit that set him off

i like my men the same way i like my coffee; steadily getting cooler, as i inevitably forget they’re sitting next to me.

this is going to be a tight week. is stealing still wrong and stuff?

Nah man don’t buy AirPods. You need the Sony WH-1000XM5-WHCH720N-WF1000XM5-CH520

if you ask your child what the magic word is and they say ‘please’ then i guess well done. but if their eyes become blackholes and they speak in ancient mysterious rhymes then also well done and good luck

Was everyone before this just…not washing their hands?

What I did to that ice cream is illegal is some states.

Me: sorry I’m late, my toddler made me find his blue socks.
Friend without kids: I don’t believe a 3yo can MAKE you do anything.
Me: 😶

Called my mom to check on her and we wound up arguing over whether Shrek is Jewish

Some people need a sympathetic pat on the head… with a hammer.

I bet that at some point in history a baby ate a dingo.

I love October because we finally turn the AC off, then turn the heat on at 5am, then turn the heat off by 7am, then open up the windows at 9am, then close the windows at 12pm, then turn the AC back on by 1pm, then turn the AC off again at 7pm, then turn the…

if you ask someone what their favorite fruit is and they say “apricot”, get the hell out of there. it’s an alien that just picked one of the first ones they saw off the alphabetical list. nobody loves apricots

Find a penny pick it up and all day long you’ll have an obsolete form of currency in your pocket.

My 10 yr old daughter was saying how stressful life is but she did add “well, at least I’ve managed to go 10 years without drinking”

FIREMAN: this blaze is out of control
ME: sometimes you gotta fight fire with fire
F: what? No
M: *already brandishing a flamethrower*

A fun thing about having teens home during summer break is that they only require 2 meals a day because they don’t wake up until lunch.

I just got a call from my gym asking me if I want to upgrade to two visits per year.