Someone: he doesn’t look so good.
Someone else: we have to say the magic words!
Chanting: whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza, whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza…
Me: *slowly rises from the dead*
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My daughter just rolled over in her sleep, smiled and said ‘waffles’. She’s definitely mine
5, to her brother: I’m going to punch you in the head.
Me: We don’t hit. Keep your hands to yourself.
[pause]
5, to her brother: I’m going to kick you in the head.
I lost 6 hours of sleep last night, lying in bed wondering if Muppets get haircuts.
[In emergency room]
mom 1: my kid needed 12 stitches! how about yours?
dr. frankenstein: 75,000.
Whenever someone says, “that’s what she said”, I like to reply with, “not to you”
flight attendant: as u can see the captain has turned on the no murdering sign
[guy next to me is still murdering someone]
me: um excuse me
HR Manager: “Tis the Season” or not you can’t be drinking rum and eggnog at work
[kissing girl at library] you wanna go somewhere a bit louder?
I just want someone to make me feel like I did the first time I figured out a special move in Mortal Kombat.
still bigger than my 1st New York apartment
When I was a kid, I swore I would never grow up to be a grumpy old man and today I got mad at a hat for being orange
You (a simpleton): I hate the Hamburglar, he steals all the burgers
Me (went to business school): McDonald’s uses the myth of the Hamburglar to create an illusion of scarcity and increase the perceived value of its products
British parking sign:
———————————
Parking Mon-Fri
Saturday (except Sunday)
No return within 1 hour
2 hour max (bank holiday)
Not valid Fri-Mon
(Excludes Weekdays)
1 hour only
———————————
Me: so this is a weird photo shoot lmao
The cop who’s processing me: would you just shut up already
ME: did u know that there’s no scientific evidence that flossing helps?
DENTIST: this is my daughter’s dance recital. Please leave us alone
9am: “Right, that’s my sandwich made ready for lunchtime”
9.05am: “Right, that’s that sandwich eaten”
Parenting pro-tip: don’t own nice shit.
[the beeping to remind me to put on my seatbelt finally gives up]
*looks at driving test instructor*
“finally”
it started as a virus but mutated into an IQ test
Watched my neighbor pull off this morning with his coffee on top of his car.
I could have warned him, but I’m out of stuff to watch.
TENNIS BOYFRIEND: You deserve love
TENNIS GIRLFRIEND: That’s so mean
One time, a dude messaged me to ask what I was wearing & I had just put in my mouthguard to go to bed… so I said “mouthguard” & he asked for pics. So I sent him a photo of my mouthguard & he blocked me.
Nothing sets a bad precedence like your boss catching you actually working.
In lieu of exercise, accidentally send your text to the wrong person to get your heart rate up
“Excuse me, sir, I’m going to have to ask you not to sleep in the library.”
“Why are you bothering me right now? What if I was dead?”
“I’m afraid we discourage that as well.”
undercover boss: im gonna learn what it means to work the day to day jobs and stay undercover for the next few weeks
[first hour]
worker: hey man someone shit all over the bathroom u got it
undercover boss: wow u figured it out its me, The Undercover Boss
I once accidentally broke up with a girl on a broken-down train, when I said “I don’t think this is going anywhere.”
Why does that little guy keep jumping from one side of the subway to the other?
Dude, he’s a Metro Gnome
Nothing in a household is said more lovingly than, “Can you bring me some toilet paper?”
“no animal except humans drinks the milk of another animal” cool, no animal except humans has netflix either, what’s your point