Someone I have known for 15 years, just completely ignored me in the grocery store. This is the best day ever.
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I walked briskly to the nearest safe haven as I was being chased by the hood on my jacket.
[hospital]
“The results are in. I’m afraid you have Bad Priorities Disease. You have 1 month to live.”But does my hair look good?
Useful information: don’t turn around if a woman throws a shoe at your back. Because more than likely the other one is in mid flight.
Lake Superior really needs to lose the attitude.
Much like Apple products, I also, am only compatible with myself.
They want us to stay current with our training, yet the training videos show people using BlackBerries.
Waiter: And how did you find the wine?
Me: Well the first clue was the bottle in the middle of the table
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me: “I was born this way. You should have seen the tiny wheelchair in the ultrasound.”
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
My wife just texted to tell me that she killed a spider all by herself, get my union rep on the phone, stat.
*Drops son at preschool*
Son: I love you daddy
*tears up*
*3pm picks son up*
S: love you Ms H, love you stuffed toy
Me: oh I see how it is
I’m on to you, Jake Gyllenhaal. I know you’re hiding another vowel in your name.
Me: gentleman of this truck stop bathroom, please boo that kid for not washing his hands
All: BOOOO!
kid: I am telling mom
The night the balaclavas slithered out of the sewers and slid onto the heads of unsuspecting sleepers who got up and broke into the empty houses of neighbors who were out breaking into other houses and in the morning we all woke up groggy wondering why we had new living room sets
My resignation letter to HR will be delivered via glitter bomb
*after eating 5300 calories of chinese food in 1 sitting* is nausea a symptom of covid
“SIRI, WHERE’S THE REMOTE?”
—
“SIRI, BRING ME A BEER!”
—
“SIRI, WHERE’S MY DINNER?”
—
Wife: “She’s either deaf, or had sex with you too.”
2 pacs of eminems for 50 cents? Man that’s Ludacris
My kid can’t eat his pasta because *checks notes* the bowl is too thick
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
It’s almost that time of night where I drunk text my ex “I have to tell you something” then shut my phone off.
One reason I love learning other languages is you find out there’s one culture that has a word for like, “the feeling you’re going to put someone else’s silverware away incorrectly and alcohol is a factor” and you get to wonder why that became necessary to express so concisely
Coworker: How did your review go?
Me: I don’t know…I thought playing “Epic” by Faith No More was a strong symbolic start…
Coworker:
Me: Apparently putting a live, flailing fish on her desk was lost on her too.
Every restaurant that opens around my town is like “come on by for amazing food, our hours are Wednesday to Thursday, 1pm-3pm, can’t wait to see you!”
I had an important meeting with my kids. I’ve been waiting to have this talk for a while. I started the meeting by grabbing the toothpaste. I made eye contact with all of them and then very slowly put the cap back on. It was a shocking demonstration, but I think they got it.
Delilah: Hey
Jude: Hey there
Guy in Car: get out of my way idiot
Guy in Crosswalk: pedestrians have the right of way
Car Guy: this ain’t Pedestria buddy this is America
[ Anything I buy from now until Christmas, I consider it a gift… ]
Kids! Close your eyes and hold out your hands!
“Toilet paper?!”