Someone: Im in town!
New Yorkers: OMFG!! That’s so great! Have fun!!!!
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Iceland has a web page for the upcoming presidential election. You can go in and enter your name in support of a candidate. In an attempt to do so, apparently 11 people accidentally registered as candidates and are now running for president. Looking forward to the TV debates.
There’s a girl that I hate in my office that’s white but looks like ‘Precious’. I’ve been calling her “Pressure” & blaming my farts on her.
Up until five minutes ago I thought Coachella was a Disney Princess who made expensive handbags.
👽Hey aliens, Since you’re in the area can you please come get me? I’ve got Coca-Cola and chicken!
My son is more polite to an Alexa speaker than his own family
Apparently, all it takes is knowing every dinosaur fact in the universe
Me: Thanks
Cashier: No, thank YOU
Me: …if this is a thank you-off, you better buckle the hell up
I’m never asking a man to buy me tampons again
I’m guessing whoever said “There’s no point beating a dead horse” has never been in a zombie apocalypse.
A double negative is a big no-no.
My Coworker Bryce lost his license and now has to ride his bike into work and he didn’t even laugh when I called him Brycycle
I told my friends I found my Lasik surgeon on Yelp and they were horrified. Or interested, I’m not sure, I can’t make out faces so well.
“Girl, are you a tree? cause-”
“no i’m not a tree”
“..cause i want-”
“why are you still talking i’m not a tree”
“.. i want t-”
“not a tree”
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m foolish with money
“He used our life savings to buy a tiger”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A CAT, KAREN
“Want me to help you with that tux?”
“No”
“Ok, suit yourself”
getting my 4yo to sleep is just a simple 85 step process
North Korea banned the use of sarcasm towards the government; I wouldn’t last an hour before they executed me.
I’m over here having to get my kids snacks and stressing about life yet my parents are just sitting in their house, retired.
Reduce stage fright with a little vodka before the show.
Bring enough vodka for everyone, and you won’t even have to perform.
[watching a hunting show even though I have never touched a gun or seen anything bigger than a squirrel in the woods] the elk probably smell them
Michael Phelps just won another gold medal for taking the quickest bath.
I overheard my neighbor say, “she has SO MANY pigeons in her yard,” but I couldn’t tell if she was impressed or concerned.
“ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“RE-ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“ERROR. PASSWORDS MUST BE IDENTICAL”.
This Halloween, I’m going as the one thing more unsettling than a serial killer: someone interested in serial killers
Well, I was having a good day until my son opened up his backpack & handed me a fundraiser envelope.
me: “im confused, run that by me again”
doctor: “you do not need to bring your cat to the hospital, that’s just what we call the machine”
Wife: you are the wind beneath my wings
Me: [spraying air freshener] sorry
If I was a sushi chef I’d wear divers gear so people knew it was fresh.
Me, being boiled into a soup: This is nice.
It never gets old to hear someone say “Oh no” when I say I’m calling from the health department
LOL!