Someone in Australia please tell me how my hair cut turns out tomorrow.
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Trying to get home and now I have to complete a side quest
Cleaning up a murder scene shouldn’t count against you at trial. “It proves you were trying to get away with it.” No, it proves I didn’t want a pool of blood in my kitchen.
I saw a tweet that said they wanted their first child to be a mail and all I did was respond, ‘Keep us posted’ and got blocked
Firefighter: We have reports of a large fire??
Starbucks employee:
Firefighter: *audible sigh* Can you direct me to the VENTI fire?
Is it too late to drop myself off at the fire station?
People are always like “you’re so crazy” and I’m all like “please take off the restraints, I promise I won’t do it again”.
Girl: I love Medieval Art
Boy: Who doesn’t? There he is now
Medieval Art: Good morrow! Pray tell- How fare thee on this day of providence?
all I wanna do is
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
move to a safer neighborhood
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
I hated spiders even before my girlfriend left me for one.
Prince Charming: I will awaken her with love’s sweet ki–
Sleeping Beauty: five more minutes
Clark Kent “I have a confession”
Lois Lane “what is it?”
*Clark removes his glasses*
Lois “Is it a bird?”
Clark “WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU”
sometimes the people that hurt us the most are the people with nunchucks
Twitter: What do our users want?
Users: An edit button and relief from spam/abuse.
Twitter: Novella-length Tweets it is!
“What’s the worst that can happen?”
Buddy I’ve got anxiety, I’ll make you a list
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because free will is an illusion and both of us followed paths that lead us to this very moment
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: The precise amount I was predestined to
ugh not again
My college kid makes a Hot Pocket nearly everyday, and still reads the directions every time he cooks one.
We have also removed your mother’s number from contacts because obviously you’re too busy to call her.
I joined a poker tournament with a bunch of people who do origami. I’m gonna dominate, cause these guys always fold.
God: i’m sorry the answers no.
Jellyfish: please?
God: it’s just too ridiculous.
Jellyfish: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but-
Jellyfish: pretty please? : (
God: I can’t just make a PeanutButterfish
A homeless guy asked me “would you give me $5 for a sandwich?”
I said “I don’t know man, show me the sandwich first.”
Me to 15: aw, you’re so handsome in your school pictures! Stop growing up so fast!
15: I just heard you and dad saying you can’t wait til I move out so my room can be a home gym.
Me: ……sooo handsome though..
[First Date]
Sorry for the mess. My mother said pudding on a condom was important.
My 4yr old has started prefaceing questions with, “but don’t say no” and he’s got a lot to learn about disappointment
Shout out to the young woman in Tesco who, when asked for ID, yelled “oh my god, do I really look that young?!” and then it turned out she was 17.
A hot guy at my job asked me if I had any plans and I told him 15 because I thought he said plants
Me: *unsubscribes from marketing emails*
[5 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “emails about our products”
Me: *unsubscribes*
[9 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “client success stories”
Humidity is like heat if it suspected you were about to break up with it.