Someone in my neighborhood is cooking bacon and now I’m wondering if I should have been more friendly to my neighbors for the last 18 years.
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[15:00]
I’m not really feeling this edible.[15:30]
*trying to order chinese food from starbucks*
I have gained 8lbs and even though I’ve eaten a steady diet of junk food and sugar and only worked out three times in the last two months this seems really really unfair, you guys
It’s romantic to walk someone home, but turns out they like it even better if they actually know you.
I miss early 2000s movie naming conventions
*Cleans glasses*
“Omg I have a cat?”
When I was a kid, my mum used to run a dating site for chickens. She did whatever she could to make hens meet.
Like seashell soaps, my Ferrero Rocher are decorative.
[medieval doctor] bad vibes? got a worm for that
That tweet is awesome. You guys are awesome. Twitter is awesome. I’ve made awesome friends on Twitter. A thesaurus would be awesome.
You know what really gets my goat? Chupacabras.
vaccinated, but claiming unvaccinated for antisocial purposes
A wireless bra? They weren’t tricky enough, now I need a password?
FITNESS COACH: Have u been reaching your target heart rate each morning
*Flashback to me replacing the snooze button with an airhorn* “yes”
I like making detailed sketches of animals but when it comes to snakes I draw a line
2 years later
Parenting is like being a dive bartender: people shout drink orders, you have to listen to their problems, and the place looks like a dump.
[first day working at Viagra]
BOSS: We need a new slogan.
ME: *sweating* This is really hard.
BOSS: You’re a goddamn genius, Johnson.
ME: we’re gonna crash I thought you said you could fly this thing
HER: no I just said that I do pilates
ME: *sighing* fine then call one of them and see if they can help us land
I don’t need two-day delivery. Whatever I order shows up the second I step outside the door in my underwear.
When I refer to old relatives passing away I never say “RIP” because I don’t wants them to rest. I want them to Zumba.
Husband: *Grabs a pillow off the couch* Did we get new pillows?
Me: Uh huh, last year, when we got the new couches
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
Sometimes I tell myself that everything that I’ve been through in life is totally worth it. Then I laugh hysterically.
sometimes I wonder if it’s possible to be TOO happy, then I remember that it’s not possible to be TOO stoned, so the answer is: banana
i was just introduced to a toddler name Frank.
i realize now that i didn’t mentally prepare myself for this possibility.
Sure Charlie got himself a Chocolate Factory, but his grandparents got to stay in bed for 20 years so ask yourself who were the real winners
The best and most reliable advice I can offer is add bacon.
this lady on tiktok shared that her daughter was getting bullied at school so she set up a meeting with the bully’s parents and the bully. the bully’s mum was rude so she beat up the mum and told the kid “i’ll beat up your mum every day until you stop touching my child.” 😭😭😭
[answers phone]
Me: yeah?!
Boss: are you okay?
Me: just taking a quick lunch break
Boss: you haven’t showed up in 2 days!
Before asking for my advice, remember that I’ve been stuck upside down in a tree three times this week