Someone in one of the screen rooms at my theatre was eating pepperoni and I can’t tell if I’m repulsed by the smell or impressed by the audacity.
You Might Also Like
Men should stop taking Viagra and start trying anxiety. That shit keeps you up way longer.
I don’t eat dessert for dinner nearly as much as I thought I would when I was 8
Everything that my lip balm is, I want to be.
Rich, Hydrating, and Age-Defying.
I bet you’re all super stoked about election year coming up
Explaining Jewish things to non-Jewish people makes you sound like you’re losing your mind. My little brother is getting married soon & had his “aufruf” & I repeated the word six times before being asked by my friend if I was barking at them.
*pours a shaker of salt into the ocean*
You’re free now
ashley: hey
ashleigh: heigh
[bar]
HER: wanna get outta here? *winks*
ME: hell ya
HER: whatya thinkin?
ME: lets go to my place and arm wrestle
HER: what?
ME: u scared?
When you want to key his car, but he doesn’t have one, so you bend his bus pass.
My favorite child is the one who can always find the remote.
Her: *hands me her baby*
Me: *drops it*
Her:
Me: So, is there like a five second rule or…?
Every time I stop, someone always tries to peer pressure me into hammer time.
You hate me: I’m the person that gets stuck in the slide at a water park. Everyone smashes into the back of me and we ooze down the slide in a sad people pile. I’m so sorry.
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
ME: Doctor, doctor. I think I’m a pair of curtains.
DOC: Pull yourself together!
*both laughing*
DOC: But seriously, I’m gonna refer you to a therapist cos that shit ain’t right.
No one:
Me: oh thank you I got it on sale.
Why go out and be a 3rd wheel when you can stay home and be a unicycle?
Sorry for nicking your car w/my door, but you didn’t leave much room. It’s small, but I circled it with my key so you could find it.
Maybe I’m the good kind of fat like an avocado.
When in a heated disagreement with someone, always try to be the bigger person. That way, you can intimidate the other person with your height.
Lonely nights, we’ve all been here. Pretending to choke so someone hugs you. Pretending a jellyfish stung you so someone pees on you. Usual.
*Werewolves spot a group of teens smoking pot around a campfire*
Werewolf 1: Edibles!
Unknown number calls and expects me to talk first, welcome to breathing competition.
My coworker has inspirational quotes up in her cubicle and one of them says “choose your destiny” so I guess she plays Mortal Kombat too.
It’d be nice if the married people would leave some of the single people for the rest of the single people.
The thing about human relationships is that one person can be so overcome by a moment while the other person is thinking about KFC…
5: You guys picked me and 3 as your kids because we’re so good. You could have picked the bad kids that other parents chose.
Me to H: [whispers] Should we tell her that if we could have picked we would have chosen better kids than her and 3?
I just closed a browser tab by accident and yelled noooooo as one of my free articles for the month disappeared into the abyss forever.
Mom: why do you drink so much
Me: *stares at mom*