Someone in the office keeps making decaf coffee & I’ve narrowed it down to that guy who never gets anything done.
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My superpower is destroying the neighbors living room from 100 yards with nothing but her cat and my laser pointer.
I got fruit flies
they’re multiplying
and I’m losing control
cuz the bananas
my kids are supplying
they’re liquefying
Why, in the name of heck, do they call it a “fun-size” candy bar when the fun part is getting more candy, not less? 🍫😠
Watching a group of 11 children try to work as a group to solve a puzzle really helps you understand why international diplomacy is so flawed.
Chopped: College Edition.
“In your mystery basket: Ramen Noodles, coffee, crippling debt, a worthless degree. Chefs, you have 30 minutes.”
The age-old question ….
Are we alone ?Of course we’re not.
There are 320 million other
idiots on Twitter besides us.
Mother of God, the man solved unsolvable crimes for eight straight seasons. When he says he has a hunch, believe him the first time.
Nicholas Cage is the same character in every movie he makes, except Face off where he was John Travolta.
PRO TIP: Stall your execution by asking if the lethal injection chemicals are gluten-free.
At a job interview “What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive thinker”
“Can you give me an example?”
“Yes, when do I start?”
If you’re wondering if toddlers are always listening, even though they’re never listening, 2B’s teacher stopped me today to let me know that instead of “thank you” she’s been saying “thanks, babe” for days.
2001 A Space Odyssey 2
The spaceship returns
HAL is just as uncooperative as ever.
He never works.
He becomes the basis for Windows 10.
Ever misread a tweet and think someone is being sarcastic so you laugh and retweet them only to realize later they weren’t being sarcastic and are really bat-shit crazy? Yeah, me neither.
No parenting book prepared me for “trying to dry a papier-mâché model of a red blood cell in your oven at 6am”.
Thoroughly enjoyed my walk along a nudist beach this morning.
Mother’s maiden name: Mom
Mother’s first name: Mom
Mother’s last name: MomWhy do they even asks such dumb questions?
Bit creepy of my maths teacher to put a little kiss after each answer.
but whales can’t sink a sub
ORCAn they?
Can’t wait to win the kids Easter egg hunt for the 32nd year in a row!
*finds a sock behind the washing machine*
*plays loud dramatic romantic music as I reunite two socks*
Wanna see my Oscar?
*knocks on garbage can lid*
I call loading the dishwasher “quantum physics” because no one else in this house knows how to do that either.
*gets on 1 knee*
Jenny…
“OMG”
*places hand on heart and starts crying*
“This is great!”
*gets on 2nd knee*
I’m having a heart attack
Dominos sent me an email while I was in the frozen pizza section. Trust issues much? I’ll call you later, relax.
If I ever ask you, very seductively, “Do you wanna do it?”
It means take a nap.
The older you get the younger young people look, our seven year old waiter is killing it.
Gym employee: -and here’s your membership card.
Me: So we fight here?
GE: What?
Me: I fight you and get your gym’s badge. So you want me to defeat you in your office or-
GE: Oh, ha! I think you might be confused (turns baseball cap around) for it is you who will taste defeat
I hate people that sit with you for hours and don’t speak, suddenly want to tell you their life story when you put in your headphones.
“Can I take your order?”
Wait, take it where?
“No, not-”
I haven’t even given you my order yet
“I mean-”
WHERE ARE YOU TAKING MY ORDER
(Rushes to hospital)
Dr: Your mother is extremely critical.
Me: Don’t overreact doctor, she’s like that with everyone.