Someone in this world has consumed more mayonnaise than anyone else currently alive and they don’t even know it
You Might Also Like
[After date, walking her to her door]
Her: Thanks. I would invite you in, but I don’t want to.
Beerventory: Verb. The act of checking how many beers ya got BEFORE you start drinking to avoid running out when you can’t drive for more.
Kids today dont know how good they have it, with their tablets and iPads. When I was their age all I had was lice.
Indiana Jones & the hopscotch of doom.
the bots have become self-efficient faster than we imagined
How long after the expiration date can you eat chicken. Is it three days? I guess we’re all going to find out together
[5 minutes after being trapped in an elevator]
Finally, an excuse to drink my own urine
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
Why does my kid always want to become a vegetarian after I’ve bought a shitload of meat
“A wine please”
“Sir, this is McDonalds…”
“Okay, a McWine please”
*calls boss*
Me: I can’t come to work.
Boss: Why not?
Me: Gotham city needs me.
Boss: …You’re not Batman.
Me: Oh, yes, yes, exaaaactly.
Co-worker: “If you love something, set it free, if it comes back it’s yours to k..”
Me – “THOSE ARE BOOMERANGS, MICHELLE.”
Dracula & other undead people who sleep in coffins must have good abs. They always rise up flat-backed when the casket opens.
[calling in sick]
BOSS: This is the third time in a month you’ve had a stomach flu…How is that even possible?
ME {trying to not let on I’m a cow}: Well I definitely have only one stomach that’s for sure
When I was in court I heard a Magistrate singing some Ed Sheeran, so I hired him for my Wedding.
But at the ceremony he did his own material and was terrible.
Which goes to show, you should never Book a Judge by his Covers.
3: [eating] I want Pirates of the Caribbean
me: yeah, well people in hell want ice water
3: [smiling] I already got ice water
Hollywood hasn’t remade Spiderman in a couple weeks. I hope they’re okay.
Aliens: take us to your leader
Me: ok guys listen- he’s probably going to deport you but there is a small chance he’ll want to marry you
I was uninvited to “drop it” because we couldn’t hear Yoncé over my Rice Krispie knees.
Right before you die, maybe yell out something funny, like “hi God- wait a minute, YOU’RE NOT GOD”
House is a mess … Walked in the other day and there were 2 people on the couch blindfolded and filming a Fabreeze commercial
Give a man a baby, and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to baby, and i think this saying only works for fish actually.
Her résumé lists “attention to detale” under strengths.
The weather is turning so I’ve swapped out my daughter’s summer outfits for cooler-weather clothes and my son’s shorts for his other shorts.
*blowing up your phone at 3am*
I get it now. Skeletor is the hot one. Not He-Man.
The only thing that could have made Coyote Ugly better would have been a few ceiling fans.
If I had to choose between watching Frozen 1 and Frozen 2, I’d probably choose whiskey.
Guy jogging pushing stroller for two kids. But only one there. Don’t think he knows he lost one.
Just told my husband we needed to end this year with a bang and now I’m regretting my choice of words.
Started making anti-inspirational greeting cards.