Someone invented a yoga mat that rolls itself. If that person reads this tweet, I have a fitted sheet I’d like for you to look at.
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FYI, let’s grab coffee is code for “how can I end this conversation as quickly as possible without committing to anything.”
Shout out to the top 5 lists in the world, naughty, check, bronze meda, Your Kiss is on My, and Craig’s.
At my age I don’t need a Halloween costume to be scary, I just show up.
This morning I fixed the Keurig by violently shaking it upside down and suddenly all the other kitchen appliances started working correctly.
*shaking chip crumbs into my mouth*
May it please the Court.
The time for being a smartass isn’t when someone is in a murderous rage. There’s a discreet unmarked grave out there that’ll attest to that.
women at the gym use every other treadmill like men do urinals
2014: maybe 2015 will be better
2015: maybe 2016 will be better
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
I’ll die fat, drunk & happy while you live healthy until you get run over by a bus… See ya at the cemetery!
Do the people who set the paper towel dispensers to only dispense 2 inches at a time not know that I’m gonna take like 27 of those things?
If the emoji I wanna text is not in the “recently used,” you may have to wait 3 days till I find it.
“Follow your dreams!” – someone born into money
You’d think since I
– ordered the pizza
– went to get it
– waited for it
– brought it home
– let my kids split the last piece
– let my kids have all the dessertThey would throw the box away while I walked the dog.
You’d think wrong.
Someone’s hair in my food: bad, disgusting, indicative of chaos behind the scenes
My own hair in my food: hey it happens, welcome home my son, spend as much time in my mouth as you need
*bird forgets to set alarm clock*
*worm has pretty laid back morning*
AI could never write that episode of Bones where the serial killer imprinted malware onto the victim’s bones, so when they got scanned in the lab the computers got a virus and set themselves on fire
Me: Table for one, please.
Waiter: Would you like to see the men–
Me: YES.
4 year old: Why is this stuffed animal here? My bed’s only for unicorns
Me: It’s a triceratops. He’s like a triple unicorn. Totally cool
4 year old: He’s just a stupid dinosaur, put him away
Me: Unicorns are fake they’re bullshit
Either this apartment is haunted or someone has been filling the sink with dishes & leaving notes that say, “You still owe $89 for cable.”
You should feel pretty honoured if I subtweet you.
But the tweet you think is about you, probably isn’t.
Twitter’s hard. Get a helmet.
It’s adorable when my mom says “It’s your mom” on my voicemail like I’ve never heard her voice before.
One time I dated a yoga instructor & my buddies said “Man. She must be really flexible!” but I told them “No, she has to work most weekends”
*checks watch*
*gets up off toilet*
I don’t have time for this shit
Wife: He’s always rewriting the past..
Therapist: is this true?
Me: [doesn’t hear because I’m typing ‘Shrek killed Hitler’ into Wikipedia]
Me as a teen: Only 150 hours?
Me as an adult: I will literally pay you more money to make this game shorter
A no carb diet can make you detached, remote and standoffish so occasionally you should eat aloof of bread.
Are all the non essential oils out of work now?
I don’t understand what you mean by ‘stop drinking so much’. How else will you know how much I love you at 2am every day?
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘monosyllabic’
“Can you describe it in a sentence?”
Yes