SOMEONE IS AT THEIR HOUSE!!!
– dogs
You Might Also Like
When a grammar Nazi gets sad give them a hug and say “There, their, they’re.”
wife: he uses food as a crutch
marriage counselor: is this true
me: [walks in twirling giant carrot] maybe
If u luv sumthin set it free
*releases 2yr old into the wild*
Good luck son
*sobbing*
STOP FOLLOWING ME! GO ON,GET OUT OF HERE
*throws rocks
life finds a way
Please don’t ruin Breaking Bad for me… I’m only at the part where A texts Aria, Spencer, Hanna and Emily
If you want your friends to stop asking you to work out with them, go once. Show up in leather. Bring your workout cake.
I can see the appeal of golf, the only sport where the winner is the one who does the least.
Apparently I’ve reached the age where Grammy, Emmy and Oscar are merely other residents in the nursing home.
ME: you really put the cute in executione-
WARDEN: alright hit the switch
My husband just asked me “what are you eating now?” He’s officially declared war
i’ve always wanted to be a whistleblower but unfortunately i don’t know anything
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* why aren’t there any female Transformers?!?
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
Pro tip: when you accidentally shrink your son’s favorite game day sweater, look him in the face, lie, and say he must be making huge gains at the gym.
IDEA FOR COURTROOM SKETCH ARTISTS: a camera
MMA – where men fight other men in their underpants.
my aunt: why u kids always on them phones cant u have a real conversation
me: *puts down phone* *crosses legs* why did u melt the ice caps
I recently bought a corset to spice up my sex life. Once I’ve learned how to breathe in the damn thing I’ll tell you how it worked out.
I just remembered today is the day when a bunch of people tweet super bowel
Tie a sweater around your waist so you can pretend a short ghost is hugging you.
When I was young I wanted to be married by 25, but now I think I’ll be married by 30 (I’m 41 for context)
My excitement about your Indian food is largely dependent on your pronunciation of “cumin”.
My neighbours just submitted a petition that I stop setting traps for stray pigs after I caught my 16th police man today.
them: says here you’ll be dueling aaron bear
alexander hamilton: lol that’s funny typo
*distant roar*
alexander hamilton: wait.
MYSTERY BOMBER: i have planted a bomb in your car. if you drive under 55 it will explo-
ME: *slams on brakes*
I’m opening a secret ice cream club called The Inside Scoop
Every now and then I wear a button-down shirt just to remind myself how buttons work.
As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
Wife: y is a penguin w an umbrella in the-
Me:*points to dog dressed as batman* so Bark Wayne isnt bored
W:
M: he needs an arch enemy, Karen
me: babe, i think we’re ready to take this to the next level. here’s a key, i want you to move in
her: it says volvo on it