Someone is at work raving about how good her tofu meatloaf was that she served for dinner.
I’ma tell you now, you serve me tofu anything, and I will consider it an at of war.
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as you get older you make or cancel plans based on the weather. no sorry i can’t go to the store today, it’s too windy.
“order in the court!”
*Bangs gavel*
Chicken wings, your honor!
[after 3 months in prison]
I think the joke was worth it.
“Make him press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“He still there?”
“Give him 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
Breaking Bad – Season 05 Episode 14 – Frame 640 of 2834
I just pressed the Popcorn setting on my microwave and it showed me secret spy video of Kellyanne Conway eating lunch.
Me: DIALOGUE!!!
Other lumberjack: You’re supposed to yell timber.
marrying a French man really helped me understand the French revolution because once you’ve heard literally anyone from France talk about other French people you understand how ready this entire country is to just starting guillotining each other
Detective interviewing me about the murder of my friend: is there anyone who may have wanted to kill them ?
Me: yeah looks like it
Jacob Marley: You will be haunted, by three spirits
Me: Ok, like that’s any worse than being haunted by the stupid thing I said in science class back in 2000.
Doctor: You’ve got high blood pressure & water retention. Do you know what that gives you?
Me: Boiling water?
Doctor: Ha! No,you’re dying.
Her: Treat me mean, do bad things to me!
Me: *changes the WiFi password*
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, LEAN!*our canoe tips over*
I’m married, but not “pass up the opportunity to sleep with Thor” married. Or Wolverine. Or Captain America. Or Jennifer Aniston…
I only put one eye on my snowman. That way, if it ever comes to life, the lack of depth perception will give me a tactical advantage.
“Still too cold… Still too cold…”
“Screw it, I can’t be late again.”
CASHIER: have a nice day
ME: how
Toy story 2 has yet to explain how a stuffed horse kept pace with a commercial aircraft taking off on a runway
met a guy in the produce section, but once i saw his super healthy cart i said Kale No
17 yo didn’t do chores last night. I delete all songs on iPod and replace them with the theme song to Scooby Doo. Enjoy the bus to school.
me: well it’s technically the bride of frankenstein’s monster
hostage negotiator: we should get back on topic
Walked in for bread, walked out with 6 bottles of wine. Now we’re having communion for dinner.
Me: I save a bunch of time by not having to tie my shoes.
Her: What do you do with the time saved?
Me: *tying my dogs shoes* Sorry, what?
[park bench with girlfriend]
so you’re dumping me because you don’t think I’m smart?
“yes brent”
*starts raining*
great and now sky water
If you can’t say anything nice, say something funny.
“How would you like your eggs?”
“Whipped up and inside a chocolate cake please.”
My Mom: I like that actor Tom Hiddleston. What was he in?
Me: Taylor Swift for a while.
The closest I’ve come to mastering a martial art is figuring out how to wash my feet in the shower
I asked 4 if she was excited to start school and she said she doesn’t need to go to school bc she already know lots of words and if she runs out she can just make them up
You get home from work early. You walk into the kitchen and your dog is peeling a potato. Startled, she yells “IT’S JUST A POTATO!”
#ambien
[pearly gates]
st peter: welcome everybody-
*i run up and slam dunk an imaginary ball thru his halo and then hang on it like it’s the rim*