someone is getting married down the street from me and their wedding geofilter works at my house
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I cut a beanbag chair open on our neighbor’s lawn. Watching him try to clean it up will be my entertainment for the day.
*tries to discreetly wipe up my spilled drink with your cat*
Make your daily standup meeting shorter
90% of the men who cheat and get caught give bad name to the rest 10% who only cheat.
[At the job interview]
“We’re looking for a super friendly bright & bubbly person.”
“Would that be for the whole time?”
My body snaps, crackles and pops louder than my cereal.
[outside a blazing house]
Firefighter: …
Me: …
Firefighter: …
Me: … There was a spider.
I haven’t been laid in so long that the Pope is laughing at me.
The fox I planted last year is coming along nicely.
Me: I look great today
Fluorescent lights: I can fix that.
Aw man, but that’s the best part
If I was president I would put Netflix, Hulu, Prime, HBO, and every other streaming service in a room together and make them collectively decide how loud each volume number is
Marriage is funny. I say potato and my husband says what’s with the credit card bill.
It’s sad when your closest friends get remarried and you know it’ll be another 2-5 years before they’re single and ready to hang out again.
[working at zoo]
“Are you the idiot who fed peanuts to the panda?! They don’t eat nuts!”
– They’re legumes
“They’re mammals”
– What?
“What?”
Me: I’m loving this, look at us, we’re practically finishing each other’s….
Her: …Fries ?
Me: Yeah, we’re done here!
Stopped wearing my dentures to the grocery store. I figure the odds are pretty low that Scarlett Johansson and I will be reaching for the same box of Cheez-Its.
I’ve had a bag of bolts on my desk for a week, and I can’t for the life of me remember what they’re for.
Me (severely dehydrated): This churro is overcooked, and I can barely taste the cinnamon
Lifeguard: sir, put down the pool noodle
these minion tweets are getting pretty gru some
me at 20: i’ll do anything.
me at 46: this drive thru has too tight of a turn radius.
Cop: We’ve found the man who stole your identity and was impersonating you
Me: Where was he?
Cop: Eating Cheetos and crying in his car
Me *impressed* he really went for it
No one said life would be easy, but a heads-up on the number of idiots out there would’ve been nice.
I have some bad news. I was experiencing some symptoms and got myself checked. It’s as I feared.
I tested positive for being brown.
Today I used bath oil for the first time. I am trying to get out of the bathtub for an hour now. Please send help.
Last night,my friend changed all my contacts in my phone.I’ve been texted by Batman Donatello,Hermione Granger.I have no idea who they are.
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
my doctor: you should snack less, it can really hurt you in the long run
me: *nodding* no more running, got it
Me : Dating is tough. Lots of weirdos out there ..
Me on first Date : so here’s everything I know about the Jonestown massacre.!