[Someone is rude to me]
ME: “Oh well.”[Someone is rude to my friend]
ME: *frantically googling for spells that turn people into crabs*
You Might Also Like
My daughter just told me I’m giving her gray hairs and ran for her stress ball so I think I’m finally nailing this whole parenting thing.
When I reached the border patrol checkpoint, I raised my kale smoothie & the officer immediately waved me through.
Remember when the internet didn’t exist and we kept all this stupidness in our heads?
Good times.
Just as the siren’s song lures sailors to their doom on the rocks, the ding of the microwave calls the unwitting to destroy the roof of their mouth on the molten cheese of the Hot Pocket.
Me, responding to a text at 2 am: Oh they should be asleep so I’ll be free from talking until the morning
Them: *texts back in 30 seconds*
Me: I hate you
I always leave my front door unlocked on my birthday just in case someone is planning to kidnap me in the morning and take me to breakfast 🙂 so far I’ve had zero birthday breakfasts 🙂 and two Blu-ray players robbed 🙂
Someone said that my kid would probably grow up to be president, and I’m not sure if it was meant as a compliment or an insult.
#oldknees
Your cat doesn’t love you. If it were bigger it would eat you.
we are always told “don’t eat the cookies that are cooling on the tray” and then “don’t eat the cookies that are in the jar” the loophole in this system is to eat the cookies while they are still baking in the oven.
Urine for a real treat today.
-Toilets
Jamaica has declared war on drugs.
Actually, they pretty much do everything on drugs.
Ways To Win My Heart:
1) Be smoking hot
2) Be thin
3) Be a pig
4) Be bacon
The kid hasn’t pooped in 3 days.
Do I just squeeze him from the other end like a tube of toothpaste?
My cousin is pregnant. The baby will be my first cousin, once removed.
“Remember those funny tweets about Keith? And, the Chad jokes? Haha! They were great! We should do those again. Right, guys? Guys?”
– Karen
Stress balls work better if you have good aim.
They say I’m too much of a competitive mom but I think kids need encouragement
I SAID SWEEP THE LEG, LILY!-Ma’am, this is just a bake sale
Nice flex Egyptians, pyramids AND bedsheets.
The price of groceries has gotten me thinking about what acorns taste like.
They say to avoid things that excite you when it’s time to sleep, but what’s more exciting than getting to sleep?
So… counting to ten in between multiple double cheeseburgers DOESN’T count as intermittent fasting?
A comb is the ultimate parting gift.
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
[Brings pot brownies to the PTA meeting]
– New playground approved
– All classes now held outside
Endless love does not extend to my root beer float. That second straw is decorative.
Him: I like meatier girls.
Me: I killed the dinosaurs.
Him: What?
Me: What?
best thing about being english is nobody asks you to cook
idc who house I’m at, i’m drying my hands on yo decoration towels
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.