Someone is selling a rot iron table on Craigslist ..wonder If they would trade for a dictionary
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I’m like a fine wine…leave me out too long and I get rancid and you have to throw me out
[at the bank]
Him: Here is some literature on how to invest in your child’s future
*watching my son getting ready to put my car key into an electrical socket*
No thanks.
H: Let’s watch a really scary movie.
Me: Good idea.
[starts playing movie “Parenthood”]
Your kids paranoid there’s a monster under their bed? Have I got a holiday for you.
Ten bucks says next year Planet Fitness uses the slogan “Flatten Your Curve.”
Karate Kid (1984) A Japanese man teaches a desperate young boy about bullying by forcing him to fix his house.
Dad: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: I want a gf thats not crazy.
Dad: You should ask for something more realistic. Like a dragon.
Gets drunk.
Drunk: Oh I’m so gonna get you back.
me, several minutes after lying about being able to fly a hot air balloon: im just gonna go this way
“Hi Mr. Holmes, I hear you’re the world’s greatest detective and I’m calling because there’s been a murder… I’m at the 79th annual Butlers Convention… Sherlock? Are you still there?”
My husband went to a lawyer luncheon thing and the lawyer he sat beside turned out to be my ex boyfriend from college. When they realized the connection he told my husband, “She always had me laughing. Is she still funny?” And my sweet husband said, “Not in the slightest.”
[Shopping with $100]
As a child: Look at how much stuff I can buy!
As an adult: Why is this bath towel $15?
I broke up with my boyfriend. He was such a jerk. What a goat!
-Don’t you mean pig?
No. He tried to eat my couch!
I quit my job yesterday. Lucky for me I didn’t tell anybody and I was able to go to work this morning when I got up
Always proofread your tweets before hitting send. I now that know
A TV show where customers get to hear what employees said 10 seconds after they left the store.
I’m the kind of guy who peeks under bathroom stalls and asks where you go for taxes.
Why doesn’t Popeye’s serve spinach?
ME: my apologies sir I totally thought you were someone else
HIM: *pulls plunger off his face* well don’t let it happen again
[at a bar]
CUTE GIRL: *grabs my arm* hey there
ME: *mouth full of food* did you know a lobster on a kabob is called a kablobster
Changed my outgoing voicemail message to “You have reached the government.”
Wife: I’m seeing someone behind your back.
Me: *frightened* Are… are they there now?
PHYSICIST: There are infinite universes, more than you can imagine
ME: That means there exists a universe in which all my tweets are funny
PHYSICIST: Not that many
Sir. Your burrito is $5.97. With guacamole, your total comes to $386,932.32
To apply for a job at Hooters do they hand you a bra and say, “Here, just fill this out.” ?
[date smiles as I pour more wine] it’s like you’re trying to get me drunk for something brent [me selecting 2 players on mortal kombat] haha
The pic on Nextdoor of a swarm of bees on someone’s fence is wicked cool until you recognize the fence.
Grandma said she thinks her new neighbors have got the gay.
Did anyone ever see that documentary about some paper company in Scranton that a production team filmed for like 9 years?
sometimes I worry that my diseases are saving up to move to a better person in a more desirable location