Someone just called me the GOAT. That’s what I get for chewing on a tin can behind a barn.
You Might Also Like
My 7yr old walked up with a candy wrapper she’d found in the garbage “WHAT is this? Did YOU eat this?” “Yes, I bought it. At the store. With my own money.” I replied, beads of sweat forming on my forehead. I didn’t do anything wrong but oh how I felt like I really, really did.
me: [offering joint] wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: we’ve never seen a giraffe eat a human before
pre-crashed car! already crashed. don’t have to worry about crashing it, car cannot crash. can’t drive it (no wheels) wheels fell of in crash. also just replaced the brakes, brakes work perfectly now
respond to every april fools joke by staring the person directly in the eye and saying “yes, that truly was a fool’s joke”
Sex is like ice fishing.
If you put your pole in enough holes, you’ll eventually catch something.
me: wow you sure are playing hard to get
after-school appointment at my kid’s dentist: *blushes* oh you
Setting up a funeral business from scratch is quite the undertaking
Needed 3 tickets to something and my husband bought 4 so he doesn’t have to set next to anyone.
Want to make a nerd’s head explode? Go to any site that posted the new Star Wars trailer & write “Where’s Captain Kirk?” in the comments.
To clean up or just move. This is the question.
Drop a ring pop in front of him. If he picks it up and hands it back to you… Congratulations! You’re engaged.
People that add “oholic” to jokingly describe things they’re addicted to seem to be unclear as to where the word “alcohol” ends.
ME: Hi. I’m in the gym parking lot.
HUSBAND: That’s great! Are you finally working out?
ME: No. My car broke down. Can you come pick me up? This place is really scary.
Instead of a vasectomy they should have just called it a spermaban.
I’m going to take up vaping because I am tired of people taking me seriously.
For a brief period, cats delivered mail in Belgium. During the 1970s, the city of Liège “hired” 37 cats to deliver mail in waterproof bags. As expected, the cats weren’t effective mailmen.
Say one positive thing about your opponent
Well…he does convert oxygen into carbon dioxide which helps trees grow.
Girl, are you a conspiracy theory?
Because I want to listen to you all day long even though I find it hard to believe a word you say.
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Identical twins arguing over a photo.
My GF: so… do you like my new nylons?
Me [thinking about robbing a bank]: oh yes
Them: CHOOSE YOUR WEAPON.
Me: Nachos.
Them: YOU– wait, dude, this is a battle to the death.
Me: *mouth full of nachos* Yeah, and who’s the real winner here?
So the ex texted me
The Last Dance just keeps getting better
I hate it when candidates put signs on your lawn without even asking your permission.
Who the hell is ‘Foreclosure’?
I bet she has a tough time finding a coffee mug with her name on it.
i came here to try to be funny, but instead, i’ve made a lot of friends. i count that as a massive failure
You want just one cow for those magic beans? Idk, I’m suspicious, magic beans sounds like the sort of thing that would cost 2 cows.
Sometimes, I feel like everything is garbage & I get overwhelmed but then I imagine how I’d feel if I was a raccoon and suddenly, being surrounded by garbage isn’t so bad. In fact, by raccoon standards, being surrounded by garbage is actually great. Life is about perspective.
Apocalypse 101: Don’t befriend the cool looking guy with a bunch of guns. Go with the one who knows how to tie knots, and can tell which plants are poisonous.
*dresses like a kitty*
*climbs tree*
*waits for new fireman husband to come rescue me*