Someone just commented they wanted to be my husband and I blocked them..
I don’t need that kind of negative talk..
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“IT BURNS!”
-My 2 year-old, drinking room temperature water.
I wrote ‘I loathe ‘ and ac finished it with ‘people’. I’m gonna marry my phone.
I still cannot believe that we found a crab with these markings at Friday Harbor Labs this summer. We named it “Sad crab” and it now lives happily in a HUUUUUUUGE tank at @MarineBiol_FHL. Sad crab, I stan you.
Relationship Status:
My dog was just licking my ear.
I didn’t stop her.
Let’s agree that if we’re both not married in ten years we’ll sew our cats together to make one big SuperCat.
At what age should you put the tonsils back in
Lawyer: did your boyfriend commit the crime?
Girlfriend: honey he can’t even commit to this relationship
Entire jury: OH SNAP
*Salem 1692*
Witch: I’m not a witch!
Judge: Look, if we’re being honest, you’re on trial for being a woman. Don’t make this weird
we’ve all been home together for a solid week now and my 6-year-old has expressed daily outrage about how the wh- in “whole” is different than in “when” and “why” and now i’m mad about it too
[1st date]
Her: we should keep religion out of this
*religion gets up & leaves the table*
Me: see what u did? *I get up and chase after it*
What kind of educational background do you need to have to work at the gas station that directs teens to their deaths in a horror movie?
Leo: You will unwrap a package of Pop Tarts and none of the corners will have fallen off. This is how you will know you died in your sleep.
*lady shares a wallet photo of her son*
*i pull out a 20-part accordion wallet photo set of my dogs*
Coming out of the dressing room at a store…
Me: What do think?
Husband: I like the pants but not the shirt.
Me:
Husband:
Me: But this is my own shirt that I have been wearing all day 😐
I hate it when I have to go pee at someone else’s house but there’s no toilet paper, so I’m forced to use the hand towel hanging so festively above the sink.
I don’t use chocolate chip cookies to solve my problems, only treat the symptoms.
Me: [on mars] *opening bag of chips*
My dog: *blasts off from earth*
The first rule of Swim Club is don’t talk about Swim Club for at least 30 minutes after eating.
[grocery store]
CUTE GIRL {bumps into my cart}: Oh, I’m sorry…that was on accident
ME: Well you know nothing ever happens “on accident”
CUTE GIRL {flirtatiously}: Haha, so are you saying…
ME: Yes, the term is actually “by accident”
I used to think Ol’ Yeller was a book about my stepdad.
WIFE:Did you get the spaghetti?
ME:Better.
WIFE:Better?
ME:Look at this crazy, wild spaghetti I found outside! *hands just full of snakes*
The sadiator games of ancient Rome were deemed too much of a bummer by the emperor and were replaced with the more popular gladiator games.
The longer I stay home, the more homeless I look
Talking about me behind my back? Good. My ass likes attention.
When my husband asked me do something creative for dinner, I drew a cute picture of a dog on a napkin and put it next to the pizza box.
You call it day drinking I call it very old grape juice in the morning
Avril Lavigne and Chad Kroeger’s engagement proves that not only is love blind, it’s also deaf.
Ok so my grandmother is going on holiday on Friday, wants me to water her plants while she’s away & should never use emojis.
I got a text from an unknown number that said “Game on.”
It’s either a wrong number, or someone wants to wear my skin like a suit.
I’ve found that women are never, impressed by what guys think will impress them. Also I just ran out of gas doing donuts in the parking lot