Someone just followed me and their bio said they were born in the year 2000 and I was like, “OKAY YEAH SURE, so you’re 3?” and then I realized that the year 2000 was 19 years ago and I am an old person.
You Might Also Like
I can claim not to have a best-loved child but one of my kids just said his first favorite thing is cleaning and his second favorite is reading so you know I am lying if I deny it
Call me old fashioned, but I’m dying of smallpox.
i was in target and a little kid came up to me asking if i could watch something for him while he looks for his momma and i said yes, so he handed me a half-eaten chicken nugget
Using soap as a garnish because the store was all out of cilantro.
My greatest fear is having a star athlete injure himself and having the coach look into the crowd and point at me to take his place
O-mi-cron, Becky. Look at that variant.
friend: you’ve been watching the tv for 8 hours
me: yeah so
friend: maybe u should turn it on
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
Gold fish don’t like being pulled out of their tank for a cuddle.
shampoo bottle: Contains No Parabens!
me (has no idea what that is or means): good.
I was raised by wolves
I was then lowered by bearsThey really should only have one species of animal operating these cranes
I’ll bet even homeless people look at funeral homes and think, “Nope. I’d rather stay out here.”
Shout out to the spider this morning who built a web across the front door making it look as though I’m terrified of sunlight as soon as I walk out.
Why I divorced her.
me: I think I’d be a good addition to the debate team
captain: no you wouldn’t
me: ok
at my physical this week the male nurse was going through my history & asking if I still take xy&z meds and he goes “do you still take IUD?” I stared at him for a sec and said “it’s still…in me…yes.” he goes “oh it’s an implant, ok.” sir you are a NURSE 😭
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
[First day as a surgeon]
Me: Oops…..
[Last day as surgeon]
*goes to get phone out of car
*sees car has been stolen
*finds phone in back pocket
OH THANK GOD
Being friends with introverts is hard sometimes. Did they die? Are they just recharging? Are they batman now? The suspense is killing me.
You want me to make something homemade?? Girl I can’t even make my own serotonin.
Shampoo is much more marketable than it’s original name, Shamshit.
“Please be aware that we are experiencing higher than average call volume”
*connects*
Agent: Hello
Me (whispering): hello
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 307 times you must be a suitcase on the baggage carousel that looks like mine.
Just told my dog to say goodnight to his brother, the houseplant
It is estimated that, on average, American children spend nearly 40% of their waking hours Not Gaming. That number is even worse among marginalized communities. I refuse to accept this in the richest country in the world.
*Ancient Egypt*
Me: My abacus won’t work
IT: Hit giant eye + guy holding snakes + big ass bird
Me: Nothing
IT: Okay, reset *shuffles abacus*
Him: Didn’t you buy that apple pie yesterday?
Me: Yeah, so?
Him: There’s one small piece left.
Me: And if you touch it, I’ll stab you.
If you are petting a small dog in your lap, it is important to let everyone else in the zoom meeting know what you are doing with your hand.
TEACHER: That’s the third time this week – please explain your tardiness
ME: Well, it basically means that I’ve been late