Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

satan: i am lord of the underworld.

me: Antarctica?

satan: no it’s much hotter.

me: (nods) Australia.

Wife: [1st time watching Harry Potter] wait…if Harry was a baby, both Harry’s parents died & Voldemort disappeared; how does anyone know what happened at the house that night?

Me: [watching for the 751st time]
…well shit

I hate it when people say “Oh, I’m a vegetarian except for fish”.

Yeah? And I’m a non-smoker except for cigarettes. #WorldVeganDay

sorry i’m late i had to catch a chicken is something i’d never thought i’d say, but here we are

it’s cute when your doc says to be on strict bed rest when you have a 10 mo old and your husband is gone. lol i’ll just call my magic fairies. they can handle it and probably even wash the car and then we can all dance around together and eat pizza without getting fat

[Satan advising me on choosing the right career path] law school it is

I got fired from my job at the massage parlor.

No specific reason, apparently I just rub people the wrong way.

Me: Want a back rub?

Wife: It depends

Me: On what?

Wife: Have you been watching pimple popping videos again?

Me:

Wife: No. The answer is no.

Love that ‘beat the number’ electronic sign speed game!
So fun when the officer celebrates your high score with the lights & a certificate!

[first date]

Her: You made a giant Pentagram out of fries and ketchup?

Me: Just get naked and step into the circle. Don’t make this weird.

Pro tip: Asking God to smite your enemies will ensure you never get asked to lead the prayer before a family meal again

If you think my tweets are strange you should hear the squirrel’s side of the conversation.

I hit a parked car today so naturally I left a note. It said “Die, Decepticons! Die!”

I have 4ish hours to sleep, but instead of doing so I’ll just complain online about how little potential sleep I have left.

The moment you throw a piece of boiling spaghetti on your wall, to see if it sticks,
is the moment you realise, random spaghetti boiling advice is radommnly valid

The true mark of maturity is when somebody hurts you, and you try to understand them in order to best tailor a revenge plot that suits them.

Getting on the floor to pick up a piece of paper after doing deadlifts was a choice

I guess I live down here now

I ran a whole 5K and didn’t even eradicate cancer

Finding the smoke alarm with the dying battery is just the adult version of Marco Polo.

I found my husband’s shirt in the dishwasher & his beer mug in the hamper, but the details of this caper have yet to emerge.

I don’t want a sugar daddy but maybe like a sugar buddy. I just hit him up like “Hey how are you today?” and he replies “Doing great thanks for asking here’s $7,000. “

October is when everyone changes their handle and their avi and now I’m completely lost.

*On death bed*
Me: I’ve killed…so many..

* whole family gasps while gazing intently*

Me: …so many…DM Rooms

Doctor’s office: You’re overdue for a physical.
Me: Ok.
Dr: We recommend you getting one as soon as possible.
Me: Do I have to?
Dr: You really should get one ASAP.
Me: Ok. Fine. Schedule me for one.
Dr: The earliest appointment we have is 6 months from now.

The government is dysfunctional and needs to be fixed I’ll probably fall in love with it any minute

When my wife is mad at me, I like to straighten our wedding picture on the wall and say “for better or worse.”

My signature sex move is what I call “The Heinz Ketchup”.

That’s where I flip you over and spank your bottom until you give me what I want.

“Was he better than me?”
“Joe, don’t.”
“I have a right to know!”
“No, he wasn’t better than you.”
[god appears]
“Mary, what the hell?”

a stormtrooper’s favorite store is the one next to target