Someone just posted an article on Facebook and said “file this under sad.” WAS I SUPPOSED TO BE FILING EVERYTHING
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Everyone was sick in my house for a month and finally better and then my daughter coughed so I jumped off the balcony.
Cop: He’s getting away! Quickly, cut him off!
Criminal: Get outta my—
Rookie: STOP TALKING
Woke at 2 AM to a strange male voice telling me to accept god. Storm knocked out power at 7 and I forgot to turn off TV – thought I’d died.
Me: *throws banana and waits for it to return, boomerang style* that’s the last time I ever believe anything I read on Yahoo Answers…
“Real men like a woman with curves” – Fat Chicks
her: I’m a cat person
me: I’m more of a dog pers-
her: [starts licking hind leg]
me: oooOoo k
So sick of seeing all these tweets about how white people can’t handle spicy food. Every morning I have a lightly buttered crumpet with a side of avocado and I’m so used to it now that it hardly even burns my lips anymore.
“Just this one more episode.” you said, and all the voices in your head laughed and laughed, and slapped their knees.
The year is 2543. Beyblades are a form of currency. Everyone speaks in emoji. President Woof outlaws all cats. Madonna releases a new single
Obi-Wan: it’s over, Anakin. i have learned how to stave off a mountain lion attack
Anakin: you underestimate my power
Obi-Wan; *raises arms above his head in order to appear larger, begins to scream*
Forget the fire jugglers and sword swallowers, the most hazardous job at a carnival is guessing the age and weight of women.
An advantage of working at home is enjoying your cat’s company. It would be nice though if she did some typing, light filing, and answered some phone calls
Talking about me behind my back? Good. My ass likes attention.
Sometimes it’s fun to walk out of the ladies room licking your fingers.
‘THERE IS NO SHOUTING ON THE BUS!’ she shouted.
{job interview}
Dog Boss: what would you say your biggest weakness is?
Me: I don’t know, I guess I can get really petty
Dog Boss: *excited tail wagging*
I’m going to stay off my phone today and clean my house.
Narrator: She stayed off her phone for 25 minutes and cleaned off the couch to nap.
[Italian restaurant]
LADY:
“Let’s start with the shrimp scampi, then the chateaubriand, and maybe, hmm…”TRAMP [checking wallet]:
“We’re gonna have spaghetti and meatballs. Is silverware extra? You know what… no silverware.”
If your doctor has to google something right in front of you, you’re probably going to die.
WIFE: there’s a bear outside our tent
ME: so
W: so scare him off
M: *unzips door* Donald Trump might become president
*bear jumps into fire*
Diet starts today.
I need to lose about 3 years.
I found a lost dog whose tag said 905-555-4598. Who would name a dog that?
Cool. Work is offering a webinar called Why Sleep Matters, and it takes place Friday at 5am.
[robber breaks into my house] i always knew you’d come for me, my darling. where are you going
Just for fun, I think I’ll get fitted for a casket and just use it as a coffee table until the big day comes.
My mom wanted me to go down to the store and get her a newspaper …. So I stopped churning butter and jumped on my horse and I rode off into the sunset to get one.
guy who invented shot put: im tired of holding this put
HER: [whispering seductively] tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: [also whispering] owning a home
Interviewer: your resume says you’re very literal
Me: my resume talks??