Someone just posted that they baked some synonym rolls. So I said, “Just like grammar used to make?”
Now I’m blocked 😅🤣😂
You Might Also Like
To the thief who stole my self-cloning machine, how can you live with yourself??
You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and suddenly you’re accused of being a kleptomaniac
a bathrobe is being naked with plausible deniability and pockets.
Losing weight doesn’t seem to be working for me, so just gonna concentrate on getting taller
I hate it when I’m digging my own grave at gunpoint and I discover buried treasure.
CNN: Trump removes screaming baby from rally
Fox News: Trump rally interrupted by another unruly, entitled protestor who still lives at home
FUN PRANK: when a stranger hands you their phone to take a picture of their family, take a selfie instead and also steal their phone
Vader: Join the dark side!
Luke: Maybe. What’s your Wi-Fi password?
Vader: We don’t have Wi-Fi.
Luke: I’LL NEVER JOIN YOU!
It’s the remix to ignition,
I’m a terrible magician,
I cut your grandma in half,
And now my rabbit is missing.
Every now and then something happens on TikTok that transcends social media and becomes a *work of art*
Her: ‘Are you listening to a word I’m saying?!’
Me: ‘Sounds like a plan.’
If zombies ever attack just go to Costco, they have walls, years of food and supplies, and zombies can’t get in without a Costco membership
a fun thing to do when someone enters the elevator is to calmly say to them “I was murdered in this very elevator exactly one year ago”
Me: What’s wrong?
Wifi: You’re obsessed with the internet
Me: Give me one example
Wifi: Look how you’ve spelled wife
Life begins and ends with diaper rash, so enjoy the time in between.
I completely forgot that the social media manager for Kitchen Nightmares has completely lost it.
Wow bro, that pot leaf tattoo on your neck really makes the colors of your Burger King uniform pop.
Me: Woohoo, I survived Thanksgiving! I can relax now.
Anxiety: Haha…Christmas.
An apple a day will keep anyone away if you throw it hard enough
He called me an angel but I’m pretty sure he meant angle because I’m always right.
Me: This edible isn’t working.
Me 20 min. later: Lifts the toilet seat expecting it will turn on the bathroom light.
Him: What’s in the oven?
Me: Freud chicken.
Him: You mean fried.
Sigmund: Let me out!
Chicken: Me too!
35+ crowd getting ready for the Teddy Riley vs Babyface battle
Me: this movie sucks
Boss: for the LAST time, this is a ZOOM. MEETING!
guy inventing chess: this is an allegory for the medieval system of monarchy
guy inventing checkers: hoppity hop, hop hop hop
ANCHOR: Now over to Mike for the weather.
ME: IT’S REALLY WEATHERY RIGHT NOW, CARL, WITH MORE WEATHER TO COME! THAT’S IT FOR THE WEATHER!
They irony of being hit by a Dodge.
I took the liberty of rearranging my husband’s office this week. The tears streaming down his face are all the thanks I need.
But seriously- how do Superheroes even go to the bathroom?
I mean, look at their costumes.
KOHL’S: YOU SAVED $92 based on these arbitrarily high prices we made up!
ME: I am honestly just so blessed