Someone just told me to dim the lights and called it a beauty tip.
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If you’re about to be turned into stone by Medusa, strike a hilarious pose and at least lighten things up for the next guy.
A cartoon bear needs me to prevent forest fires, Becky. That’s why I can’t go to your stupid wedding.
It doesn’t matter where you hide. Your children will hunt you down, find you, and tell you they’re thirsty.
so my neighbor and i both had mouse sightings this week. here’s how our landlord responded:
My lasagna just took a picture of me and posted it on Instagram
Self-cleaning conscience
My therapist thinks meeting women on twitter for sex is a bad idea. His wife disagrees.
😅🤣😂
Calm down check engine light, if I can run on broken parts, so can you
GUY: Ugh this rice crispy treat is disgusting!
ME: There you go sweetie, it takes 23 oz of sawdust before people won’t eat them anymore.
DAUGHTER: This is going to be the best science fair ever!
No, I didn’t ask why she had a baby goat at work with her. *shrug* Seems like a personal question.
I broke a lightbulb, smashed artwork, splattered milk from cereal bowls across kitchen walls and knocked over candles.
Fly is dead.
If Barbie and Oppenheimer has taught us anything its that there should always be two movies
When I was young I really thought that people in their 40s were old and now that I’m in my 40s I can say that I was right
Every 60 seconds in Africa, a minute passes.
[babysitting]
Ok well sorry I threw all your kid’s toys into the ocean but maybe next time be more clear if you suggest we have a tea party
[True Love’s gf on 7th day of Christmas, forcing smile]
awww Swans! how sweet! thx hon, these 7 birds will go nicely with the other 16 birds
The pilgrims ate so much at the first Thanksgiving that they had to unbuckle their hats.
*overheard during my 6yo’s Zoom class*
Teacher: Today is the last day of September. What does that make tomorrow?
Boy: January 1?
Girl: Valentine’s Day?
Seems to me these kids are just as ready for 2020 to end as anyone else.
Him: Can you decide quickly?
Me, 20 minutes later: No.
Chattanooga is my favorite town that sounds like an old-timey car horn
Little known fact, Alvin wore the big A on his shirt because he slept around.
Air Canada says 20,000 mobile app users have been affected by a data breach. On the upside, the hackers might know where your lost luggage is.
Pretty sure the inventor of noise-canceling headphones had a young kid trying to learn a band instrument.
Wife: “Oh Honey, what would you do without me?”
Me: “realistically or in my fantasies?”
[first day as geologist]
me: *mouth full of dirt* the crust is the best part
This is the ideal male body. You may not like it but this is what peak performance looks like.
[enter password]
ForrestGump
[password not strong enough]
ForrestGumpAfterHeGrewThatSweetBeard
Mormon cats have 9 wives.
Ultracrepidarianism is the habit of giving opinions & advice on matters outside one’s knowledge or competence.
Or, as I call it, tweeting.