Someone just wished me “Happy Holidays” and I was so offended. How DARE someone assume I’d ever want to be happy.
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I always forget that Justin Bieber is Canadian, and then I remember that one of his biggest hits was called “Sorry”.
Server: Would you like another glass of wine?
Me: I’m sorry, I don’t have time
Server: For the wine?
Me: No, for silly questions
Most guys propose with a diamond but if you’re really smart give her an onion ring that way if she says no you still have a snack.
lady: omg your puppy is so cute whats his name
me: laser guardian
my mom: [wrapping my pills in cheese]
me: no, mom, use the GRUYERE I’m an ADULT
My new SUV has a button that says
“Rear Wiper”.
I’m afraid to push it.
Sci-fi is when Wonder Woman fights villains from outer space, fantasy is thinking Wonder Woman will go on a date with you.
Best seat on the street 😍
Looking good, Kim! #LNSM
My 9-year-old is very passionate about learning to play the piano. She’s even more passionate about learning to play the piano at 6:37 in the morning.
[movie date]
me: i snuck in some snacks
date: omg !!!!!
me: *holding ramen noodles* do u have any boiling water
You only live once – you should try to spend as much time on the computer as possible. After you die, you won’t have access to it any more
Do you think Jesus described his hair color as light blonde or summer wheat?
ME: revise my plea? Why?
JUDGE: read it back
RECORDER: defendant said “cauliflower is just white broccoli”
ME: *lips on mic* I stand by that
Me: I dreamed my teacher is making me read out endless values of π
Psychiatrist: Is it recurring?
Me: Not as far as anyone can tell
last night the host of the halloween costume party I attended got ziploc bags out at 10pm sharp, told everyone to take food and go home. 100/10 no notes
*Vacuums for three minutes*
“Oh God I can’t keep up with this house”
Me: Well, this calls for a celebration *cracks open beer*
Wife: …you took out the trash
FRIEND: wanna come over?
ME: what’s your dog up to?
FRIEND: um, she’s at the groomer-
ME: THEN WHY ASK ME OVER
Friend: We could to Jurassic Park but there are pros and cons
Me: Like what?
Friend: They have dinosaurs. And you can die
Me: And what are the cons?
A service where I can hire a child actor to come to my home and pretend to love the cartoons I watched back in the day so my kids will think they’re cool and I don’t have to watch any of this new bullshit.
They’ll continuously make Fast & Furious movies until it’s a bunch of old men trying to get out of a grocery store parking lot
I stuffed my mom last night. I know you’re thinking I have an Oedipus complex and that’s gross but jokes on you I’m a taxidermist
Cat: my owner is asleep. What if he is dead?
Cat 911: just walk on his face and find out.
Stegosaurus: We’re getting reports of a huge asteroid. A global killer. We need a volunteer deep-core driller to destroy it
T-Rex: As the world’s best deep-core driller, I will save us all
[cut to T-Rex furiously trying to pick up the detonator he dropped]
(Trying to scream over a construction worker’s jackhammer) YOU GUYS MAKIN A BUILDING?
I have no idea where they learned to talk like that.
– the parent who taught them to talk like that
BOUNCER: I’m sorry miss, you are too drunk to come in.
ME: [lifting shirt] initiate Care Bear Stare!
BOUNCER: Oh, my mistake
ME: [smiling proudly]
BOUNCER: I’m sorry SIR, you are too drunk to come in.
I was in the first Top Gun movie.
I was the Marine actually working out in the background while the Navy took time off to play little volleyball games.