[someone kicks a dumpster out of anger]
ME (from inside): Who is it?
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SON: Daddy, what’s the river that flows through New York
ME: It’s The Hudson
HIM: The Hud. Ok. Thank you.
WIFE: Oh ffs
LETS SHARE EMBARRASSING STORIES. me first: i saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away
Me (holding two sticks of butter): now where did i put that stick of butter? hmm i guess i didn’t get one out. hey kiddo could you grab a butter
My Son (also holding two sticks of butter): i just checked the fridge. we’re all out
what idiot decided to call it “the Iliad & the Odyssey” and not Troy Story and Troy Story 2
*Gets left on read for hours*
Me: “I’m never talking to them again”
Them: *Finally replies*
Me:
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: What is it that you are both most fearful of?
WIFE: I just…[sobbing]…don’t want the kids to suffer
ME: Eels
oh that’s just my emotional support rolled up carpet in the trunk, officer
DOCTOR: Mrs. Nice Guy? I’m so sorry, but I have some terrible news…
When I was a young man, I dated a very sweet girl for several months. My parents treated this girl like she was their own daughter.
My mother even tried to find her a proper boyfriend
“How’s your core?” bro I’m not an apple.
10’s homework question: “Which appliance in your home do you think is the most useful?”
His answer: “My mom.”
What if all your muscles can taste but your tongue is the only one you usually put food on
Recorded myself talking in my sleep and I rhyme a lot. Somehow I’ve developed sleep rapnea.
Handing the bus driver a $50 bill and telling him “Just drive”.
But my sandwich is so dry!
“Sorry sir, that’s not what we do here at the Mayo Clinic.”
Sometimes, I like to establish dominance over my shorter friends by telling them we need to hurry, and then climbing up a staircase, two steps at a time.
if you have dark hair you literally can’t get a bob and not look like lord farquaad from shrek. it’s impossible ive tried it so many times.
I had a dream that IKEA offered a ride sharing service and nobody could figure out how to get out of the car.
I tell jokes for free but my therapist still expects payment every time he sees me perform my one hour special
I have very conflicting feelings about getting murdered because on one hand I’d be dead but on the other hand I’d be making sure female podcasters had content and I love women supporting women
*family meeting at Noah’s house* who wants us to do what by when?
What I was warned about as a kid:
*Strangers in vans
*Gum taking seven years to digest
*QuicksandWhat I wasn’t warned about as a kid:
*Arguing with a computer that I’m not a robot
*Being sad when my favorite spatula breaks
*Meeting a “pickleball influencer”
Accidentally drew my eyebrows on too dark and thick and now I live on Sesame Street with Ernie.
milk crate challenge: get a WHOLE bunch of crates, absolutely FILL them with my shit, and HELP me move this weekend
[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
My neighbour called out “cheer up” today so I asked if he was moving house
An amish party in the desert called churning man.
-I heard this dog was chipped.
-Microchipped sir.
-I don’t care how small the chip is, I’m not paying full price.
*buys a bunch of stuff at Costco*
Sir, you wanna box for those?
“Nah, I hate violence. Can I just pay cash?”