Someone left an honest-to-goodness Yellow Pages phonebook on my front porch today. I immediately notified the Smithsonian. kids, ask your parents what a phonebook is.
You Might Also Like
North Korea claiming they test fired a big rock at Russia.
“Is there a genius in the house?! It’s an emergency!”
*I start to get up from table*
*wife discretely stops me*
*I silently agree with wife*
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything in the house
– cook 3-19 hours on low
Virgo: Expect romance on the horizon. Do not expect it to ever come closer to you than that.
I’ll apologize for last night right after you tell me which parts you still remember.
ME: [sitting in kitchen writing out bills]
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow tonight.
ME: I’d wait until next week.
Attention Walmart Shoppers –
There is someone dressed
Appropriately in
Aisle 12
If I had a dollar for every time I messed something up at work, I’d be salaried and at my current level of compensation
Before you take advice from me… you should know I walk around my house in my underwear while complaining about being cold.
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
If you lead a horse to pretzels and then to water, he will definitely drink.
[wife yelling in waterpark]
“BRENT SOMEONE IS STEALING THE CAR”
[top of huge slide] K IM STILL GONNA TAKE THE SLIDE DOWN CUZ IT’ll BE FASTER
I just overheard some passing 8-year-old announce that after only two days of school he has already found a girlfriend, and now I have to unpack the fact that I don’t date at even a third-grade level.
The hardest part of marriage is resisting temptation. Women just don’t understand how hard it is not to use a decorative towel.
When my husband goes outside to investigate a strange noise, how long do I have to wait before un-pausing the show we were watching?
Tom & Jerry had the realest beef of all time….. nvr said a word…. it was jus on sight ..
THE AUDACITY. 😤
boss: there aren’t problems, only opportunities
me: ok there’s a huge cockroach opportunity in the break room
Solving a traffic jam
“Charlie, I want a divorce.”
[in a black robe sacrificing a chicken on a satanic blood alter] Why?
♫ Hey there Delilah, for your word spell Mississippi
“May I have the definition?”
The state siblings can get frisky ♪
and cousins toooo ♫
Trying to take the best instagram picture ever but the kittens keep drowning in the latte.
The horror:
“Come on, I’ll introduce you to everyone”.
Did you know if you weigh yourself, then take a dump, then weigh the dump & weigh yourself again, you’ll be banned from Walgreens for life?
What’s the point of making people like Paul McCartney and Elton John knights if they’re not going to joust?
Not right now green light, I’m taking a selfie.
This throwing coins in the wishing well is taking too long…
I’m going in myself.
Me: *Holding a door and hiding behind it*
Murderer: *walks through the door*
Me *passive aggressive*: YOU’RE WELCOME
the sweet sweet relief I felt at logging on and seeing 30-50 feral hogs