*Someone messages me*
I hope your well
And I’m like, you hope my well what?
You hope my well is fine?
You hope my well is providing me with clean water?HOW DO YOU KNOW I HAVE A WELL, WHAT DO YOU HOPE FOR IT & WHY CAN’T YOU FINISH YOUR SENTENCE?
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me: check out that beach body
other forensic detective: stop calling it that
WIFE: *yells into basement* Our savings account is entirely empty. Do you know what happened?
ME: *assembling robot monkey butler* No idea
When I’m behind a slow car I steer my car a little to the right so the people behind me can see it isn’t my fault.
So when a cat pounces on a stranger’s lap and demands tickles it’s “cute” but when I do it I’m “causing trouble in Starbucks” again. Jeez!
You enter. “I’ve been expecting you,” I say from behind the massive swivel chair. I put too much leg into turning around & spin for 5 mins.
“I apologize for the misunderstanding”
– Professional
– Non-threatening
– Executive level“Listen here you little shit”
– Assertive
– Life-threatening
– Who knows what will happen next
I went through and unfollowed everyone who is better looking than me.
It took a lot longer than I thought it would.
I love my son’s teacher, but I’m low key triggered by all these messages about what he can be learning during this. Look lady, he’s currently got his little brother in a choke hold, he doesn’t want to read a book right now
Girl A: We aren’t actually six years old. We’re six HUNDRED!
Girl B: Yeah. We look this young because we’re actually WITCHES and we take POTIONS to stay young!
Me: Right. But why would you choose to be 1st graders?
Girl B: Uh…
Girl A: It is possible we took too many potions.
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember where he parked.
Years ago my wife and I were on an early date in a Chinese restaurant when a guy came over and said to me: “Can you shut up? You’ve got a very loud voice”. I said: “My girlfriend has very poor hearing. Isn’t that right?” And to her enormous credit she replied: “WHAT?”
I planned to graduate camping school but I failed tent grade.
My sister bought glitter for the children, so now I’m trying to add her name to a terrorist watchlist.
I got my grandma an air fryer and she told me I can take it back to the store cause she uses oil in her house 😭😭
Get an attack dog, name it Anxiety, laugh and laugh and laugh at Anxiety attacks.
The corner of this table hurt me and made me cry, so now we’re dating
You don’t need flavored coffee. It already has a flavor. Coffee.
i love meeting boys on tinder
I’m in pretty decent shape for a dude who was in a serious car accident and spent the last six weeks recovering in a hospital bed. That didn’t happen to me–it’s just a good yardstick for the kind of shape I’m in.
ME: No, no, no! I’m not saying they necessarily DID exist at the same time! What I’m saying is, IF they did, then Captain Hook and Scar from Lion King WOULD’VE been best friends!
MY CAT: *meow*
ME: Delusional how?
The celebrity couple name for Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton is Clump.
I’m as useless as the top two buttons on a Greek mans dress shirt.
If Spider Man eats too much fruit he squirts Silly String.
The hairdresser asking me what special plans I have for the day like this wasn’t it
husband: do you know where the thing is
me: can I buy a noun
[toddler birthday party]
Stranger: my child is 36 months old. how old is yours?
Wife: mine’s-
Me: hey babe, I hurt my toe in the bouncy house. can you drive to the ER so I can eat my cake?
Wife: -432 months.
I just got a paper cut from a 108 yr old book so I’m sitting here waiting to turn into a vampire
Me – Actually goes for a walk
FitBit – You OK?
Jesus’ Greatest Miracles:
3) Turning water to wine
2) Raising Lazarus
1) Maintaining a milky-white complexion in a desert climate for 33 yrs