Someone needs to invent an alarm clock that, if you hit snooze more than three times, will call in sick for you.
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My 18yo just gave me access to his private Twitter account. I’m not sure if I’m mortified or proud. I need 15 minutes and the Urban Dictionary.
*chasing after a rooster* give me your cool hat
Welcome to your 50s. You used to be a lot taller.
My cooking is nothing that a flame thrower and take away menu can’t fix
[Police sketch artist job interview]
“How am I not qualified?”
Your resume is a stick figure and a poorly drawn igloo
“It’s a cat actually”
I can’t believe Disney didn’t call it “2 Frozen 2 Flurrious.”
I’m not saying I was fired from Spirit Halloween for stealing, I’m just saying I have skeletons in my closet
Me: OMG my phone is at 60% and I have to go to the grocery store, I need a charger immediately
My 13yo: My phone is at 5% and I’m about to scale Everest, later
My wife asked me to get the house ready as her friend is sleeping here tonight so as an optimist our bed now has 3 pillows.
Horror movies don’t get enough credit for encouraging kids to pursue research at their local library
[first date]
her: so what are you looking for?
me: [hits my head on the table] i dropped a shrimp
I want to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by a rainforest.
[first date questions]
You like meat? I make killer beef jerky with leftover hobo carcasses…and she’s gone
Whatever she’s probably vegan
I just saved you $50. You’re welcome.
These people act like they’ve never seen a woman eat a whole rotisserie chicken before.
someone described my girlfriend’s skin as “sun-kissed” recently and now the sun’s about to catch these hands
Dance like no one is watching.
Sing like no one is listening. A
Eat salty food like your blood pressure cuff is broken.
Roses are red, you always mattered,
the human. who snuggled. my human. the other night. is here again. BUT. this time. however. they brought. my fren and i. treats.. we approve
you grow up— lose your baby teeth learn to ride a bike graduate college get a few bad haircuts and the next thing you know you’re planning how to make someone’s death look like an accident
Me: I don’t run.
Bees: Let’s see.
Why are government cars always in a hurry!! That sense of urgency is not reflected anywhere in their official duties.
three old people next to me at this coffee shop hanging out and catching up. one of them says “your daughter is doing well? has her ducks all in a row?” and the other says “welllll there’s a few geese in there” and all three of them laughed until they cried. gasping for air.
Apologies about the delay to the 16:10 to Alicante. We’re just waiting for one 3D printed part, but apparently a ‘fuselage’ takes a little time.
god: i need you to build a death star
noah: uh, what’s a death star?
god: {flipping through his notes} oh, sorry, wrong story. i need you to build an ark…
*Heaven*
God: you may ask me 1 question
Me: Why aren’t there lowercase and uppercase numbers?
God: what?
Me: I wanna write loud numbers
I need a new maid, because the current one sucks. Also, she’s me.
“zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real”
– me, walking my dog at night
[Struts in lookin fly as heck in my speedo, shower cap and armfull of baby dolls
struts out with new understanding of the term baby shower]