Someone needs to speak to the graphic designer who came up with this.
You Might Also Like
*first date*
Guy: I like a girl who’s good with money
Me: the city will bury you for FREE if they can’t identify your body
9am: Nice try, Amazon, I’m not falling for the Prime Day BS again.
9:22am: *Reading reviews for commercial soft-serve ice cream makers*
VAMPIRE HUNTER: It’s so strange…why is this one coffin turned over on its side?
ME, from inside: I don’t like sleeping on my back.
[aliens talking]
“They call it a sel-fee”
A photograph of oneself?
“Sometimes several”
But why?
“We have one theory”
Go on
“They’re idiots”
There’s always that one guy
They say the more people you see joggin in a neighborhood the more expensive property taxes will be…That’s why I never jog bc I’m just a really really good neighbor
Every time I eat a cookie in bed, I imagine it screaming “I’M GONNA CRUMB” because I have something wrong with me
the things my dad sends my mom 😭😂
At this point I’m waiting for my student loans to ask me if I want to add 10%, 15% or 20% gratuity to my bill.
Can’t, I’m still folding up this CVS receipt.
Last year my ex and I dressed as opposing political parties for Halloween… best hate sex we ever had.
Whenever two people argue over something, yell out “OBJECTION” and then contradict the one wearing something you don’t like.
Would you flush a $20 bill down the toilet? Of course not. Yet you’re doing it every time you flush 4 $5 bills down the toilet. I’ll explain
[showing off scars]
ME: *lifting shirt* I’ve had this one for as long as I can remember
HER: that’s your bellybutton
If life gives you raisins, there’s not much you can do.
“You called about a break-in?”
“I did.”
“Anything stolen?”
“Just some food.”
“Anything else?”
“She messed up the furniture.”
“She?”
“Blonde girl. Jumped out the window.”
Any time I see a couple jogging together, I try to figure out which one of them is unhappy about it.
Psychiatrist: what are your future goals?
Me: I can’t tell you because you’ll try to stop me
Who wants to be my Valentine?
fun fact: nike is short for nichael
-If I’m wearing matching bra and undies, I better get more than a cuddle.
McDonald’s worker: Another bad date huh? Have some free fries…
Me: I don’t understand why no one takes me seriously.
Also me: *wearing Cheetos like walrus tusks*
I’m my own worst enemy. And the enemy of my enemy is my friend. So I’m also my best friend
the only difference between 15 year old me and current me is that if i fell off of a skateboard now i would die.
Most things in life aren’t free. HOWEVER if you run fast enough, they are.
My boss said he likes how I remain so calm under pressure. Can’t tell him it’s because I don’t give a shit
Do you have to go to the bathroom?
No
You sure?
Yes
How about now?
No
Now?
No
[movie begins]
Daddy?
FOR CRYING OUT LOUD
If someone has a second baby, tell them it is better than the last one.
What do you mean your “water broke”? Did the H2 fall off the O?
If you love something set it on fire. If it doesn’t die, you have a dragon.