“Someone offered me grapes, but I declined . I’m not used to consuming wine in pill form.” — University of Chicago
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I am so lucky that I can’t tell the difference between a heartfelt compliment and sarcastic disdain. Life is much easier when you’re dumb
*rings bell*
“Can I help you?”
Yes I’d like a dragon on my back an-
*starts pooping on a crucifix*
WTF? *checks sign on door*
“Taboo Artist”
We decided to name our unborn child something that represents where it was conceived.
Only 7 more months until baby Uber is born!
Ohio sounds like someone greeting a friend they didn’t expect to see then immediately realising it’s actually someone else
ME, my last day as a doctor: Sir, your sugar is dangerously high. You need to eat less… *checking the notes on my hand*… crabs.
There’s a crying baby on every flight I’m on and it’s always me
It’s a gift
My neighbor’s 13-month old only has four teeth. She’s way too young to being doing that much meth.
Ironically the best judge is someone who knows both parties fairly well, and can attest that both parties are idiots.
I was reading a book with my 7yo where a teacher was getting married and INVITED ALL HER STUDENTS and then the students started SECRETLY PLANNING THE WEDDING to help out and I was so stressed out like “wtf, how is this gonna pan out, these kids don’t know how to hire a band”
Him, handing me a beer: One for the road?
Me: Sure.
Me, pouring it on the street: This seems wasteful.
ME: hmm…tastes like chicken
MORTICIAN: get out
me: *barges into the room*
how dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
I could never be a serial killer. There’s far too much cleaning.
My 5yo and 6yo are playing restaurant. My 6yo’s restaurant has a no baby policy. My 5yo has 5 babies and is very angry about this. She’s causing a whole scene at the restaurant. The babies are crying, it’s crazy. I’m trying my best not to get involved in this.
Twinkle twinkle little whore, close your legs they’re not a door.
[job interview]
“Why do you want to be a librarian?”
I like people
“What do you like about them?”
*whispers* I like telling them to shut up
Fights fire with marshmallows
[walking into museum]
i must read each and every description, really soak up the history
*after 20 minutes*
can i sit on this or is it art?
I’d like to meet a failed scientist, like I do writers.
“I science on the weekends and for free sometimes. I think of it more as a hobby.”
Shrek + Akira = Shakira???
*tries to quietly check the football score during a home invasion
Inventor of Shredded Wheat: What if you could eat wicker furniture.
My 3yo doesn’t understand Where’s Wally and just keeps hiding the book from his brother
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Don’t forget about your milk.
Me: Have you drank your milk?
Me: Drink. Your. Milk.
3: Yuck, this milk is warm.
My 7yo was asked what he loves most about his parents:
Mommy is cuddly, likes to dance, and makes yummy cookies.
Daddy is the only one in the family with hair on his face.
I saw Van Gogh’s “Starry Night” hanging in a trailer I went in today, but I couldn’t get up the nerve to ask if it was the original or a print.
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
Sex is like my hair. I didn’t have any yesterday. I didn’t have any today. And unless something drastically changes, I won’t have any tomorrow.
#gameofthrones greatest achievement this season: getting us to root for a guy to hook up with a woman we all knew was his aunt.