Someone on Facebook added me to my high school reunion page and wants volunteers to help with it. I said I’d love to, but I have a pillow that I need to suffocate myself with instead.
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Caffeine is bad for you, fat is bad for you, sugar is bad for you. But don’t worry, because worrying is bad for you too.
*holds seashell to ear* new shell who dis
Say “excrement” instead of “excellent”. Nobody will notice because people really don’t listen for shit.
An eel can swim faster than me, but i could probably run faster than an eel. So in a triathlon it would all come down to who is the better cyclist
COP: Do you know why I stopped you?
HIM: We were going too fast?
COP: Yes. Get to know her first. Don’t just talk about yourself either.
ZOMBIE: braaains
LION ZOMBIE: maaanes
KINKY ZOMBIE: caaanes
TARZAN ZOMBIE: jaaanes
PLUMBER ZOMBIE: draaains
DRIVING ZOMBIE: laaanes
TRAVELLING ZOMBIE: traaains
WALL STREET ZOMBIE: gaaains
Chameleon wife: “Does my bum look big in this dress?”
Chameleon husband: “What dress? Where are you?”
If the kids are so noisy from the backseat you can hear them above the music, it obviously wasn’t cranked up loud enough to begin with.
Sorry, can’t. I took my bra off and threw it across the room an hour ago. There’s no coming back from that.
#rubbishjokes
Noah’s diary – 39th day:“The dragon pie was really scrumptious.”
‘Your place or mine?’
Is the sexiest response to the question:
‘Where shall we bury the body?’
Wife: Hit the light.
*flicks switch (wrong light)
*flicks another (fan)
*flicks (disposer)
*flicks (nothing)
*flicks (some light in Canada)
It’s as if the guy in the next stall doesn’t realize this is a competition
“Trust your gut” ok first of all my gut wants pizza 24 hours a day
Her: All day long I’ve had the strangest feeling that someone’s ….. watching me.
Me: Why, do you hear laughter?
me: *using chocolate coins as currency*
clerk: those are not legal tender
me: tender? buddy, these will melt in your mouth
My wife’s kidnappers sent her back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers.
Hi, Id like to buy a Nutri-Bullet, pls.
Salesperson: Ah, nice. Off on a cleanse or health kick?
Yes. *imagines drinking lasagna* For sure.
My husband: sneezes and starts updating the will and shopping for coffins
Me, on my deathbed: I’m fine, it’s just seasonal allergies.
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
“Is that a banana in your pocket or…a dead banana?” -Schrödinger
Sure coffee will wake you up, but have you ever stepped into a cold shower that you thought was hot?
Wait for it…😂😂😂😂😂
*waving arms wildly* holy shit whose arms are these?!
I don’t know what base that was, but thank you TSA.
Guys, stop telling women “you’re beautiful” get creative. Tell her she looks like she could beat Taylor Swift in a fight. Tell her she looks like she could make nachos that would **ck you up for a week. Tell her she reminds you of a guy you knew in prison.
I don’t hold grudges. I pose with them.
Where’s a careening bus when you need it?
[Toothpaste Laboratory]
Dentist 1: Yes
Dentist 2: Yes
Dentist 3: Yes
Dentist 4: Yes
Dentist 5: Not so fast…
Cats are tough negotiators, they leave nothing on the table.