Someone on TikTok asked if people with office jobs just sit at our computers all day and answer emails
Obviously that’s not true
We also have meetings about the emails and then write emails about the meetings
Kids these days, I tell ya
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*puts “Baby on Board” sticker on car so people will think I’ve had the sex*
SPELLING BEE: spell “configurable”
ME: C-O-N-F-I-G-U-R-A-B–
SPELLING BEE: (interupting) yes i am a bee but i fail to see why thats relevant
Keep your friends close and your enemies in the freezer.
If I was a little smarter I’d be aware of how stupid I am.
Maybe Millennials aren’t having children because we lived through the nightmare of raising Tamagotchis. :/
Being a parent means calling your parents to apologize for your past behavior
My youngest is being tested for the gifted program at his elementary school and my other son thinks his toothbrush is haunted.
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: his fault for staying out all night
kidnapper: we took him from his bedroom
dad: well he probably wasn’t in bed like he shoulda been
kidnapper: he was
dad: on his phone probably
kidnapper: fast asleep
dad: i guarantee you he was faking it
“There can only be one!” -Arab eyebrows
I am in my truest form when the food comes at a restaurant and I side-eye plates, suspicious that everyone got more fries than I did.
Dear North Carolina, if you let guys marry each other, you’ll have more available women in your family to date!
I am NOT a grammar Nazi!
I’m alt-write.
idk what he going thru but i feel him
me: if i follow them, will i see their tweets?
Twitter: absolu-
Twitter algorithm: no.
ME: If I donate my body, will it be used for weird and gross sex experiments?
SCIENTIST: Of course not!
ME: Oh. Nevermind, then.
My son just lost a tooth and wants money, not soy sauce packets this time.
Him: I like you.
Me: *starts game timer*
What idiot called it “CSI: France – Murder in a Bakery” instead of “Baguette and Tag It”
Looking for recipe ideas, I’d like to use up this uranium before it goes bad.
Never, ever ask a woman if she’s pregnant unless you see an actual baby being born. Even then, act surprised.
*Handed a baby*
Awww he’s so cute. Do you have anything quieter?
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes. I like to watch.
Netflix: I’m worried about you.
Me: Just play the next episode.
Netflix: When was the last time you saw the sun?
Me: There was an outdoor scene in episode 7. Play on.
Interviewer: how would you describe your conflict resolution style?
Me: *panicking* coniferous
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
Get noticed by more companies on LinkedIn by adding af to the end of all of your job titles.
Relationship status:
Just kissed my cat and he got up and moved to the other end of the couch.
Dads, when there’s 38 things to do before everyone is ready to leave: I’m going to go wait in the car.
hot air balloon pilot: we’re gonna crash
me: oh no
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot: aaany minute
My dog, introducing himself to our neighbor’s dog. I’m not gonna tell him.
I have poor night vision so I upgraded to LED headlights because it’s important to me to ensure nobody else can see either.