Someone once asked me if I was drunk.
I said yes.
That was the shortest job interview I’ve ever had.
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I like crazy people until they notice me
BACTERIA 1: [runs toward pizza that has just been dropped on the floor]
BACTERIA 2: [football tackles him to the ground] YOU HAVE TO WAIT FIVE SECONDS SEBASTIAN
Titanic passenger: iceberg
Titanic chef: no its romaine
Passenger: *pointing* iceberg!
Chef: oh no!
Passenger:
Chef: we’ve served you the wrong salad
Leaf blowers can make yard work so efficient, when you just use them to blow everything onto the neighbour’s lot.
*Gets arrested for making prank phone calls
[At Police Station]
“You can make one phone call”
*Dials random #
“Is your fridge running?”
My toddler had a meltdown at bedtime because her pajamas were “too comfortable.”
It’s a rough life.
me: I’d like to buy that lady at the end of the bar a drink
judge: no
The young witch sat atop her brand new Roomba and flew into the air.
*bumps into tree*
*turns*
*bumps into stop sign*
*turns*
The opposite of Mariachi is Divorciachi
The devil whispered to me, “I’m coming for you.”
I whispered back, “bring pizza”
Falling in love is like Falling Ketchup from a Bottle.
At first slowly, and then all at once.*The fault in our Jars*
A big bug flew down my throat during my run this morning so [buys treadmill]
I just want the confidence of a youtuber who suddenly thinks they can sing
Fun fact:
Wiping your nose on the person’s shoulder during a hug discourages future hugs.
*personally visits the 7 friends who continually trap me in a rather chatty text message group & punches each of them in the face*
Always wanted to call people who don’t like astronomy “Galactos Intolerant”
Her: I still think that’s a stupid name for a dog
Me: how dare you, I named him after my grandfather
[Earlier]
Me: aww looks like Grandpa has the zoomies
Date: Want to go back to my place and get naughty?
Me: Nice try, Santa.
Trying to pass my red flags off as a mini golf course
I turn hot dog water into ice cubes for house guests I don’t like
Friend: I haven’t had sex in years!
Me: meh, join the club
Friend: I haven’t had coffee in 5 days!
Me: DEAR GOD!!!
Friend: Have you ever seen a hummingbird?
Me: [trying to imagine a bird with lips]
I leave spider carcasses on the wall to make sure the other spiders understand..
*gets last year’s turkey out of the attic*
the funniest possible response to someone saying they were a gifted kid is to be like “really?”
HER: hey, do u come here often?
ME: all the time
HER: do u know if the bartender is single?
I enjoy how fitbit tracks the calories I burn just by being alive. I like getting credit for that.
is he attractive or did he just reply to your message with full sentences in a timely manner
So afraid of commitment I only play “Words With Acquaintances”.