INTERVIEWER: Says here you have sloth-like reflexes?
ME: *calls interviewer 3 years later* That is correct.
Someone once asked me if I was drunk.
I said yes.
That was the shortest job interview I’ve ever had.
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You get a green perennial vegetable, you get a green perennial vegetable, EVERYBODY GETS GREEN PERENNIAL VEGETABLES!
I’m so oblivious to someone flirting with me that if they told me to take my shirt off I’d assume it was because I spilled something on it
Him: There’s something special about you.
Me: Some people tell me I smell like stinky cheese.
*His eyes glaze over* I love stinky cheese.
My wife handed me a clean towel and asked me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.
McRib stands for My Chemical Romance Is Back
I have literally never asked anyone where was the library in Spanish. What other lies did I learn in school?
Some days I think I’m brilliant.
Other days I ask myself if there’s a “u” in forty.
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I asked too many questions.
Me: algebra is a scam lmao
St. Peter: solve this equation if you want to enter heaven
Me: oh no