Someone once asked me if I was drunk.

I said yes.

That was the shortest job interview I’ve ever had.

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INTERVIEWER: Says here you have sloth-like reflexes?

ME: *calls interviewer 3 years later* That is correct.


You get a green perennial vegetable, you get a green perennial vegetable, EVERYBODY GETS GREEN PERENNIAL VEGETABLES!
– Okra


I’m so oblivious to someone flirting with me that if they told me to take my shirt off I’d assume it was because I spilled something on it


Him: There’s something special about you.
Me: Some people tell me I smell like stinky cheese.
*His eyes glaze over* I love stinky cheese.


My wife handed me a clean towel and asked me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.


I have literally never asked anyone where was the library in Spanish. What other lies did I learn in school?


Some days I think I’m brilliant.
Other days I ask myself if there’s a “u” in forty.


Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?

Me [from my wheelchair]: I asked too many questions.


Me: algebra is a scam lmao
[years later]
St. Peter: solve this equation if you want to enter heaven
Me: oh no