Someone pissed on the bus driver’s passes this morning. No, not literally. That smell is from the back seats.
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#Caturday
“40 is the new 30!” My dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Banned from driving.
Me: What do you say when someone shows you a pic of their ugly baby?
Friend: Just make a comment like “Look at all that hair!”
[looking at pic later on]
Me: Look at all that nose!
ME: what’s for dinner
KIDNAPPER: omg we let you go four hours ago
Nothing worse than talking to a person with a large amount of spit in their mouth that talks really fast. HOLY SHIT…My glasses r ruined
Turkey Homocide Detective 1: That’s the 73rd turkey head today.
THD2: What’s the perp doin’ with the bodies?
THD1: No idea. Hey, the farmer’s calling us over. Is he holding a bloody ax?
THD2: He found the murder weapon! We should wrap this case up quick! I bet it’s the duck.
the human only brought one little bag. on our walk. so naturally. i had to poop twice. they are in shambles
Colleagues who feel the need to say “You either love me or hate me!” are oblivious to the fact that it’s always the latter.
Drove a wedge of suspicion today between the fast food employee at the first window and the one at the second.
So you brush your teeth with hair on a stick and brush your hair with teeth on a stick. Humans, you’ve made it.
[ creating bats ]
god: well we already made birds
angel:
god:
angel: what if they were goth
god: omg what IF they were goth tho
My 5-year-old refuses to believe that shells & cheese tastes exactly like mac & cheese but believes there definitely is a dinosaur in his bedroom.
[slipping DJ $20] my good sir would you turn it down a skooch
A picture so sexy my computer just covered my eyes.
‘I have a ripe avocado at home’ is my favorite excuse for cancelling plans
If I had 3 wishes I’d spend them on my daughter.
Happiness, success and her very own little shithead who refuses to replace the TP roll.
Screw it. SCREW EVERYTHING.
– me, 5 minutes after learning how to use a power drill
LUMINEERS: we have a new song
PRODUCER: what’s it about?
L: deforestation and the loss of natural resources
P: what’s it called?
L: Susan
When I say ditto after someone tells me they love me, it doesn’t mean I love them. It means I love me too.
*goes to the park*
*spoon feeds red bull to the ducks*
New Year, New Me
New Me [looking around]: absolutely not
[elementary school]
BULLY: gimme your lunch money
ME: no
B: *grabs me by shirt* I said give it
M: ok but this has to stop I’m your teacher
I like dogs cuz if you do something stupid they don’t criticize you, they do it with you.
Forgive me father for I have sinned, last week I hissed at 47 people because I like to pretend I’m a mean cat
Graduating from law school and immediately googling what can you do with a law degree
Hubs: Why can’t we use the good china?
Me: Because that’s for if the Queen comes to visit
Hubs: um…
Me: oh bugger!
When a cop gently helps you in his car, promises you an overnighter & talks about bonding, he isn’t taking you on a date… I know this now.
*puts a Santa hat on your Halloween decorations*
Autocorrect completely socks
us women should leave something 2 the imagination. for example it should always be unclear whether ur human or a mysterious glowing vapour