Someone please recommend a self-help book that can teach me how to sleep through an alarm.
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Daughter: what do you call a T-Rex with sleep apnea?
Me: no idea.
Daughter: a Dinosnore : )
Me: [sniff].
Daughter: are you crying?
Me: I’m just so proud of you.
Waving my hand impatiently in front of the automatic door sensor so everyone knows I am too important to wait for electricity.
Remember during the pandemic when we all put aside our differences, realized we were united under one common goal and, together, made the world’s most delicious cheeseburger?
[second date]
Me: so… is this your first police chase?
We need a kids TV show about a kid who can sit quietly in a shopping cart for 25 minutes.
My man wants me to understand him better so I’m not getting my mustache waxed this month.
Raised my shirt to check my abs and a nacho chip fell out so I guess there’s your answer.
I just ate an entire cake to get the taste of salad out of my mouth.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Can you hear my chips?
Never forget.
If you can’t handle my interpretive dance to November Rain than you don’t deserve me doing splits on the hood of your car to Whitesnake.
Another couple invited my husband and me to do a triathlon and it’s way worse than we thought. Apparently “doing a triathlon together” is code for “doing a triathlon together.”
you couldn’t be more wrong, i on the other hand could be far more wrong due to my incredibly vast stupidity
Me: Unhand me you scoundrel!
Masseuse: Please stop saying that
Me: What sneakers are you wearing?
Her: Converse
Me: Omg Sandra, that’s what I’m trying to do.
[making money] Ugh this is boring and awful. But at least spending it will be nice!
[spending money] Ah no this feels bad also
i don’t always carry my groceries on one arm but when i do my keys are in the wrong pocket
Him: Are u free later?
Me: No I’m expensive all the time
You can’t get pregnant from sex with a condom, only from sex with a person
Forget teleportation or invisibility. If I could have any superpower it would be the ability to attain the perfect salsa to chip ratio every time.
*turns my phone upside down like a tip and strip pen*
Everyone naked?
Me: Hi, thanks for meeting with me. Oh is it pronounced Caroline or Carolynn?
Her: anything is fine
Me: ……..ok Sarah, let’s get started.
Son: Why doesn’t my sister have to tidy up?
Me: She’s a week old!
Son: You’re weak and old too but you manage!
look son, i kinda need you to go to hong kong & win a martial arts tournament to the death for me because i sorta told my neighbor you did
I get all my cardio by crying when someone calls me ma’am at the gym.
Copied tweets with higher no. of RTs remind me of tht incident when Charlie Chaplin entered a Charlie Chaplin look-alike contest n came 3rd.
You’re probably wondering how I tweet so much while maintaining a loving marriage and two amazing kids. The key is neglect.
Apparently all my new nephew wants to do is eat and sleep…which means he’s already a lot like me.
Cartoons falsely taught me to expect encountering an unimaginable amount of anvils in my day to day life
My tubes are tied. I didn’t even know they were competing.