Someone praising you is also someone being judgmental. The difference is that you like the verdict this time.
You Might Also Like
yeah no that’s fair
Y’all I saw eyes in the forest on my walk tonight and got kind of scared until I used my flashlight and now I’m DYING
This guy at the bar just said nobody gets off earth alive. And he and his buddies sat there for a second before the chick in the middle says “what about astronauts” and I love her
Whenever u feel like ur not being productive, take a nap. You’ll wake up groggy & angry & have forgotten abt the whole “productivity” thing
Tell her “I love your eyes. They sparkle like emeralds. I’d love to see them every day”
Perhaps whisper the “in a jar beside my bed” part though
I ordered a pair of shoes delivered to my house. I’m too excited to wait at home so I’m camping out at the end of my street. Send snacks?
Yelp review: This forest is so full of trees you can’t see a damn thing. Also, bugs. 0/10
On tonight’s episode of Catfish, Cathy finds out she’s been in an online relationship with a pineapple.
I am at my most pretend homemaker when I have a repair person in the house. Who me? Oh I’m just gonna sit here and handsew the trim back on this pillow and when I’m finished with that I’m going to sort my dried flowers for two hours.
ME: we need to take actionable steps to combat climate change
ME: *after two glasses of wine* i will do it. i will fight the freaking sun
the average goat is 9 carrots tall if you measure goats in carrots
Husband: What is today?
Me: I’m in no mood for your riddles today.
But what is Congress going to do about the fact that I made too much pasta last night 😡
Mulder: it’s some sort of over-fed grim reaper judgment figure.
Scully: we’re at the mall, Mulder. That’s just Santa.
death: it’s your time
me: in my dying era
death: what
me: going ghost mode
death: stop
If you see a cat with a dart in it, that’s my cat and I need him back, we aren’t done yet.
I’m babysitting my 2 yr old nephew today and when I told him he couldn’t eat ice cream for breakfast he told me “you’re not my best friend anymore” so we compromised and now he’s on his second bowl of ice cream and I’ve gained the title “best friend in the whole wide world”
Cats don’t tell police where your drugs are.
Please ignore this tweet, I’m pretending to be adding a coworker’s phone number.
Atheists are Popeless romantics.
Doing the New York Times crossword puzzle in pen means you’re smart unless you’re doing it on an iPad.
There is no greater lie than “if you tell the truth, I won’t get mad.”
Remember when your mom would just drop you off at the mall and have no way to get in touch with you? I don’t even trust my kids to go upstairs alone.
The best text messages are those that contain a warning that they are going to stop by your house, that way you know not to answer the door.
WAITER: questions about the menu?
ME: is it recycled paper?
WAITER: no, i meant about what’s on it
ME: oh. what kind of ink is this?
Someone asked me today what was the toughest thing about being a parent. I would have to say it’s the kids.
To all of you Single Guys here on Twitter…
Don’t forget to buy your Wife something on Valentine’s Day.
Today’s fortune cookie reads: ‘you are the only human in this restaurant don’t look up’
Ian: “He ran out of the restaurant, got in the car and drove off fast.”
Cop: ‘Did you see his plate?”
Ian: “Yeah. He was eating tacos.”
My daughter said, “You’re the best mommy ever!”
I’m really proud that she’s learning sarcasm at such a young age.