someone reached out to my manager not too long ago, asking to confirm a rumor that jason momoa and i were dating. my manager said “absolutely not” hahahha i was like damn! at least meet me half way and just say we did “over the clothes stuff”
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I’m not good at communicating with others these days. I actually started a conversation the other day with “I like your chicken. It’s very fluffy.”
A woman isn’t really heartbroken unless she does something drastic to her hair.
Other kids wanted to be astronauts or doctors, when I was little I wanted to be a horse calendar
4: Mommy, where do babies come from?
Me: Well, sweetie, when two people tolerate each other very much…
[Me and coworker going for the last piece of cake]
You’d better ask yourself if you can type with one hand, Nancy from Accounting.
Don’t bother putting your hand over my mouth to shut me up, I will lick you.
Feng shui consultant: The refrigerator shouldn’t be next to the couch.
Me: You’re fired.
me: [a rest stop designer] this is the tile I want for the bathrooms that are always out of order
*lint rolls you awake*
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
Amazon only lets you put 51 items in your cart and
A) that’s bullshit
B) I probably shouldn’t know this
I DON’T WANT YOUR PITY but I’ll take it.
alexander graham bell: i invented the telephone!
his brother, taco: i’m working on some pretty big stuff too
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
Is it pspspspsps or spspspspsp?
~ asking for my cat
HER: Mmm you smell good.
ME: Thanks. I use both my nostrils.
Please stop throwing my only possession.
~dogs everywhere
One of my favourite factoids is that the guy who wrote “Pretty Fly (For A White Guy)” will also help us cure AIDS some day.
I’ve never once used the “C word” in a tweet but I will now!!!!
Cookie.
There, happy now? You cunts.
left my hotel balcony door open a bit and a pigeon wandered in, stole some of crackers, screamed at me and then left. so yeah when i die i wanna reincarnate as a big city bird
I’m going to stop doing any exercise that stimulates my muscles so I can finally be atrophy wife.
ME: Please! Don’t! I have a family!
ASSASSIN: Who do you think sent me?
(Date)
“What’s wrong?”
Oh nothing I’m just a nervous hummer
“Aw how cute!!”
*perfectly hums the entire Jurassic Park theme at full volume*
I wish people would stop asking me if I’m on Twitter, clearly I’m not.
Some people are uncouth but not me, I’m super couthy.
“I’m frying some fish for supper, so yall come over & eat” is what I said.
“You’re also gonna be helping me move my piano” is what I meant.
My kids are gonna give me a god damn heart attack
My doctor says I only have one diabete.
Fun thing to do: Before leaving someone’s house, ask them if you can take a roll of toilet paper “to go”