Someone recently asked me, “What blood type are you?”..
I said , “The red runny type”.
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me: if only i could sleep AND get motion sickness
waterbed salesman: you’re not gonna believe this
me: another
bartender: *slides over pudding cup*
Every time I see a jogger that looks like they’re just about to pass out from running I always think, “Do they know they don’t need to be jogging?”
I was in long distance relationship for eight years with my Mr. before we got married. So, believe me when I tell you, I’ve never missed anyone as much as I miss my cleaning lady.
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
If it says “typing” for more then 2 minutes… you’re gonna have a bad time.
Putting all my mental health eggs in the daily word game basket.
Body by cheese-puffs.
On a poster in my math class “4 out of 3 people have trouble with fractions” The sad thing is my first thought was “Oh good, I’m not alone!”
For a place called a “holding cell” people sure hate to cuddle.
Men what’s stopping you from dressing like ’80s horror movie hunks
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
Me: I’ve had a breakdown.
Tow truck company: Where’s your car?
Me: Car?
The best part of being incompetent to cook and feed myself is that when I travel I am positive I didn’t leave the oven on.
Someone said I was racist because I misspelled pico de gallo. It’s like they don’t even know I misspell English words also…
Co-worker insists on talking with his mouth full. No one can ever understand him. Wish we had a dentist was in the house to interpret.
[at a Doja Cat concert]
me [loudly]: PSPSPSPSPS
Might get a Gatorade logo tattoo to symbolize my contempt for thirst.
[Job Interview]
How would you describe your time management skills?
Me: Can we talk about this later? I’m late for an appointment.
“Mom, look! Look! Are you watching, Mom?!”
The Lord alone–not science–will determine how many chickens can fit inside my motorcycle sidecar.
DATING IN YOUR 20’S
“It’s not going to work out I don’t like the way he chews”
DATING IN YOUR 30’S
“It wasn’t even a felony and he was never convicted. Also living at home makes sense bc it allows him to be close to his mom & it’s walking distance to the Pizza Hut he works at”
My clothes don’t fit anymore.
There’s only one possibly explanation.
America is shrinking my clothes.
Benedict Cumberpatch’s full name is Benedictionary Cucumbercabbagepatch.
“He died doing what he loved…”
I’m not dead
“Interrupting my jokes”
I tried a vegan recipe book last night. It was much tastier than any of the recipes in it.
“Where can I find the paper towels?”
“Who’s asking?”
went to the beach and pissed on a jellyfish before it had chance to sting me
tonight i learned that my mom ended a friendship because the person in question claimed a baby was flirting, and i have never respected her more
Making sure to loudly declare my love for microwaved fish on Zoom calls so I’m never invited back into the office