Someone said I was racist because I misspelled pico de gallo. It’s like they don’t even know I misspell English words also…
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I told my 3 year-old that sometimes, sharing with his brother is the nice thing to do.
He replied with, “Are you sure about that?” Followed by a maniacal stare.
There is a reason creepy children are used as a theme in horror movies, people.
I leave my vacuum in the middle of the floor at all times so when I have unexpected company I can say I was just about to clean my house.
Lost my car keys so I’m forcing the guy at Home Depot to make me new ones based on what I remember about them.
Today is the 30 yr anniversary when I was single and my hot boss called me into his office so I spritzed on some perfume then went and he looked deep into my eyes
and asked if I was available Valentine’s Day and I said YES and he said, “Cool I need you to work that day.”
Ahh yes 2022, the 2021 of 2020
Being a man in biblical times must’ve been hard. You’re busy then your wife says, “Someone parted the Red Sea & you’re here watching sheep.”
WARNING: Local youths are challenging passers-by to attempt the world record for how fast a person can climb the oak tree on Pinewick Road. DON’T DO IT. Once you’re up the tree, they steal your bicycle. Also, I don’t think they timed me so I don’t even know if I broke the record
*animal dies in a movie*
this is the saddest thing I’ve ever seen*robot dies in a movie*
omg why am I crying it’s just a robot*human dies in a movie*
yes yes kill them all
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
The dead guy in my trunk?
Cop: Um, speeding, but my shift’s over, so proper burial and no more murders. Ok?
Shampoo bottles are more dramatic than little brothers. Like I barely touched you! Why did you fall down!?
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog:
In Russia, Vladimir Putin has said that the killers of Nemtsov “will be ruthlessly hunted down.”
He added, “It’s cheaper than paying them”
When a ladybug is orange. Must be laundry day.
Nutritionist: if you can’t pronounce the first ingredient on the label, you shouldn’t eat it
Me: ok
[at grocery store]
Me: *reading label* k-kw-kwi
Clerk: quinoa
Me: definitely not eating that
Pie is superior to cake. Nobody makes a cake chart.
5pm me: coffee doesn’t even affect me
4am me: I wonder if I can watch all the YouTube
When someone says “It is what it is,” I reply, “Isn’t it?” so we can both sound useless.
An esteemed colleague told me he hard-boils eggs in the morning, uses them as pocket warmers, and then has them as a little mid-morning snack when he gets to work.
Truly, the line between genius and madness is very thin.
My husband refused to go to Target with me, so I took the tv remote with me instead.
DOG: Then he said “Who’s a good boy?”
DOG THERAPIST: *nodding* You are of course
DOG: *wagging tail* I KNOW BUT WHY DOES HE KEEP ASKING?
A tampon just fell out of my bag as I went to pay for something at a garage & a grown man in his construction gear laughed…….at a tampon….
So I looked at him and asked him did he want to keep it since it brought him way more entertainment than it will ever bring me.
That’s it. I’m no longer running to the store for any ingredients I forgot.
So tonight’s spaghetti dish will just have to do without
*checks list* spaghetti
Facebook should figure out a way to make baby pictures into a renewable source of energy because then we would never have to worry again
[during sex]
HER: can you turn off the light
ME: I thought you liked my mining helmet
My New Year’s Resolution is to walk for an hour every day. By April I’ll be far enough away that my family will never find me.
my kid learned what money was today at 9 am and by noon he was ready to stab me over 27 cents
*Friend sees my knuckle tats*
F: ‘MMA4LYFE,’ really?
*I put my fists by my English prof’s ‘OXFORDCO’ knuckle tats*
*we start break dancing*
I love restaurants that have signs like “Since 1916”. It’s a great way to know the place you’re eating at was probably super racist.
Any port in a storm is a fun expression until you’re the port. It’s still good but a little hurtful.
My Fitbit thanked me for not making him work nearly as hard as the other Fitbits.