Someone said that my kid would probably grow up to be president, and I’m not sure if it was meant as a compliment or an insult.

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My toddler begged to go swimming and then threw a tantrum because she didn’t want to get wet in case you were on the fence about having kids


Hey, guy playing video games and ignoring your hot girlfriend…Are you gonna eat that?


DATE:I have 2 kids
ME:I love kids!
D:Good! They-
M:Wait, the human or goat kind?
M:*Trying to contain excitement* Is-is it the goat kind?


“Why don’t you have kids yet?” is a great question, ma’am, but I’m saving that conversation for the right total stranger at this gym.


when you’re jamming to an old-school r&b song and someone older than you ask “what you know about this?”



It’s actually pretty rude of you to assume that I know what I’m doing



Satan: I need a new idea on how to mess with people
Henchman 1: New STD?
S: No
H2: Incurable virus?
S: No
H3: A cameraphone
S: Nice


I used to be embarrassed when people held my money up in the light to check for fraud but now it’s just another atta girl that my art degree and life of crime is paying off.


Can’t believe I’ve already spent $500 on mayonnaise this year.


Hey ladies, I can spell ‘Häagen-Dazs’ without googling it if anyone is looking for a good time tonight or anything.