Someone said that my kid would probably grow up to be president, and I’m not sure if it was meant as a compliment or an insult.
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I feel like Trump and Hillary are two divorced parents fighting over custody of us but we kinda just wanna go live with grandma.
Sketch Artist: describe the man who attacked you
Me: he had dark hair-
Sketch Artist: one sec the Peanuts Character Creator is still loading
Catch feelings? I’d rather catch multiple bricks to the face. A house. Drop a house on me.
I’m tired of the unrealistic beauty standards promoted by the avian media.
first date idea: unlock and switch phones with the other person for exactly 2 minutes and if no one is horrified then the date continues
[gets cut off in traffic]
my friend, you’ve made a very powerless & easily distracted enemy
Girlfriend: *reading beautiful love poem in German*
Me: STOP YELLING AT ME
Went to work without a drop of makeup on… walked by a mirror and said good morning thinking that was someone else.
Just had lunch with my 3rd grader at her school. She got embarrassed when I tried to kiss her. So, like any good mom, I started twerking.
My wife and I asked my son who he loves most. He pointed all around. I said he had to choose, then he told us he was pointing at the wifi.
I just tried to place an order for coffee but my husband hung up on me.
It’s easy to make friends as an adult, you just go up to someone you think looks normal & ask them if they’d like to go pick out matching butterfly knives with you, it works for dating & job interviews, too
*sees a newborn baby*
One day, someone will write mean things about you on the Internet
I let a Pasta Chef borrow my car and he returned it all denty
[Inside every wolf]
Me: Hey.
Me: Oh, hey.
I’m not smiling because I like you, I’m smiling because I’m imagining a piano landing on your head.
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Identical twins arguing over a photo.
“Hello, yes, I’m going to need a tray of hors d’oeuvres delivered this Tuesday at noon to the blue Acura parked next to the dumpster behind the Kohl’s on 14th Street.”
Impress them on your first date by showing up in a shirt with their face on it.
A seven nation army could definitely hold me back.
Do you know who REALLY gets irony?
Skydiving schools.
Cuz you gotta drop out to graduate!
*releases mic to float down on tiny parachute*
The difference between looking at a kaleidoscopic as a kid vs as an adult.
The migraine that follows.
so apparently there is no such thing as a valentine santa and i’m not sure whose lap i just sat on at the mall.
If you work for UPS or FedEx, you speak Parceltongue.
I know my son will be a good dad one day, because I dropped a plate and he said “now things are getting out of hand” with a straight face
[Stares deeply into date’s eyes before going to the bathroom]
“I’ve counted these fries.”
[At Doctor]
Me:I’m having chest pain
Doc:Did you buy a new bra?
Me:Yes! Thanks for noticing!
Doc:I meant it could be causing the pain
Me:Oh
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see