Someone send Kendall Jenner onto a United flight with a Pepsi, stat.
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Just had a goat’s cheese sandwich. Well, he should have put his name on it.
[first day as a spelling bee judge]
Me: your word is Sarcasm
Him: can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: no, I’m a spelling bee judge but can’t use a word in a sentence
I believe there are people on this planet who were born to get in everyone’s way at the grocery store.
I understand the beautiful part, Cover Girl. But isn’t “easy breezy” just another way to say “slutty and flatulent?”
Keep your longtime co-workers guessing and questioning their self-worth by forgetting their names.
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream because grandma is visiting for Christmas and she forgot her hearing aids again.
Crying friend: Have you ever had a really bad day?
Me: [picking dog hair out of my oatmeal] Can you be more specific?
If you drop your pants for a “surprise checkup” and hear your doctor’s belt buckle hit the floor, you should probably head for the hills
This guy told me he spoke Swedish and then spoke Swedish and tbh I have no way of knowing if he was lying.
Interviewer: “Why should we hire you for our research team?”
Me: “I went to the second page on a Google search once.”
When I go to alcoholics anonymous my fitbit registers 12 steps.
paddle faster i hear baby shark
*Buys world map*
*Pins map to wall*
*Promises to visit wherever dart lands*
*Throws dart at fridge*
Can we take a moment to celebrate the little ride we get in the pneumatic chair at the hair salon or barber when they pump it up or down
You can’t spell fries without friends. I guess what I’m saying is that fries are friends. Delicious friends.
I’ve been told I can be a bit condescending. That means I talk down to people.
him, texting from the party: where did you go???
me, already home in bed: bathroom brb
“OK…that Trust Exercise didn’t go exactly according to plan. Once we dispose of the bodies let’s keep quiet about this…AS A TEAM!”
[to a straight couple]
Which one is the lesbian and which one is the other lesbian
I love how when you walk through a spider web, you all of the sudden know Kung Fu.
My husband is awesome. He just gave me a bracelet that belonged to his grandmother. What does “Do Not Resuscitate” mean?
6yo: *non stop talking*
Me: *tells 6yo to go read*
6yo: *comes out of room every 2 min to tell me about the book*
If I’m a vampire, I’m going into the ocean to search for Bikini Bottom. I don’t need air and there’s no sunlight? Let’s go.
Me at 12: I can’t wait to be an adult so I can buy whatever I want with my money.
Me at 36: If I wait until it goes on sale and use my coupon, I can buy scented trash bags.
As your goth husband I will adorn you with cursed artifacts then die mysteriously leaving you to be the most feared widow in the village.
Detective: We’re going to need to confiscate your phone and computer, look through your browsing history for anything that might be relevant.
Me: I’d rather just confess.
Detective: To what?
Me: Whatever
If you’re wondering about who the oldest James Bond was, don’t google ‘old man bond age’
Preowned Jaguar for sale. Beloved family member, excellent shape. Wife forced me to put her up for sale after she (the jaguar) ate the kids.
Just discovered my 7yo wearing his underwear backwards again. Playing classical music while pregnant is bullshit.
Well that was fun with a capital no it wasn’t